Sunday, July 25, 2010

the future is the past is the future

O's future is so much tied into my past. I never realized that before, but recently I've been thinking about how she might be more like me than I thought. I have always been an independent woman. I love the idea of O being like me.

I fought tooth and nail to be my own person, and I continue to fight for independence. I wonder if O will be like me? I wonder if she will want to be on her own. I wonder if she will be an independent thinker and want to tear away from me...the thing is, I won't stop her.

I hope, secretly, that she will want to branch out, move away, and explore. I hope that I can give her a firm base from which she can explore, and know she will always be able to come back to. I love that she fights for her independence now.

Everytime she yells "no Mamma...I do!" I smile. I can't help it. I love that she wants to be independent and wants to do what she can on her own. It's fantastic to have a daughter who wants to be her own person, even though it is hard to rein her in...well, she's nearly 2, what should I expect...she is such a great baby. I don't want to rein her in. i want her to be her own girl...

and in the end, no matter what she decides to do, i want her to be herself...even if she never leaves me!!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

past lives

i've always believed in reincarnation. i know, as un Christian of a belief as it is, i've always just felt that we all cycle the earth several times. i think back to the first time i heard about reincarnation, i was in high school and i was talking to a wiccan woman who told me about it. I was extremely intrigued by the idea. she told me that by looking at someone's birth chart (a chart based on the celestial bodies locations at the time of your birth) you could see how many lives they've lived etc.

i always envisioned it like the rings in the trunk of a tree. the older the tree the more rings...anyway, i remember her telling me that this was my 2nd to last life "cycle" in the cosmos...or at least on earth. which was shocking, but seemed right to me.

i mean, i've always been an older leaning thinker, i've always been somewhat conservative (though i'm guessing my mother would take this moment to remind me of my early 20's...), and i've always had odd fascinations with specific timeframes, events, presidents, etc.

the theory that was presented to me also postulated that the people around you in every life have been around you for centuries. that your mom is this life might have been your sister in another life. your dad could have been your son, and so on and so on. meaning that our souls surround ourselves with the same souls over and over again. this notion i truly connected with because it gave more meaning to those i feel the closest gave more meaning to my friendships, past lovers, and my family. it brings to mind a lot of people i knew for a short time or people that greatly changed me and what our true connection is/was/will be.

today on the way to work i saw a billboard for a show called "past lives" which brought all of this line of thinking to the forefront of my mind, which in turn lead me to think about the timeframes that i feel a connection to.

specifically i have always had an interest in the 1600's-1700's, colonialism, benjamin franklin, 1930's fashion, harry truman, and some specific songs from the 1970's.

i think that these are questions that someday the O will be looking for answers too. she'll hear about reincarnation, want to talk about religion, my beliefs and my opinions. whether she agrees with me or not, i think it's important that i have a firm ground to stand, and teach her to develop the same type of ground.

who knows...she could have been the one to teach me that years ago...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

infection anyone?

lately i've been traveling with a box of puffs plus in my bag...being sick is no fun! i can't believe how sick i was this past week...constantly blowing my nose, coughing, fever, headache...i looked like someone punched me in the face!! i had it all - the swollen cheeks, black circles around my was a rough week.

turns out the cold i had two weeks ago or what i thought was a cold turned into a sinus infection/double ear infection combo. seriously? how ridiculous is that. i was told by the professionals in my doctor's office that the flying to SF compounded it and that i may in fact have had a mild flu being that i had a fever from Saturday thru Wednesday evening. I managed to miss a weeks worth of work, which as a teacher is never a good thing, plus the O has an ear infection too!

we are both on amoxicillin and i think today was the first day in weeks that i didn't feel like someone kicked me in the face. i don't look great, but i look passable and tomorrow i'm going to go back to work. i am not going to over work myself (still sticking away from the gym until i'm 100% better) but going to sit at my desk and do some paperwork shouldn't be too bad...i'll just bring my puffs plus and a lot of hand sanitizer.

i wouldn't wish this type of sickness on anyone. i could barely go 10 minutes without blowing my nose until it was practically inside out, nevermind the headache, teethache and just general feeling of craptasticness.

i figure i have no where to go but up at this point...and i wasn't planning on getting flu shots...but being that a sinus/ear infection got me as sick as it did...i think that i'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow about getting them. i really don't want to get sick again this winter...i can't handle another bout of sitting on my couch and feeling like i was run over by a bull in Pamplona. there is nothing attractive about a red nose (unless you are Rudolph) and a pile of snotty tissues on the coffee table. good thing i'm married or i think that i would have scared dave away!

here's to feeling better!!!