Wednesday, December 30, 2009

oh the mommyhood of it all!

mommyhood is such a strange and delicious journey. somedays i am just so amazed when i look at my small girl. she's just a little vision all the time! i can see the wheels of her mind working. she's always trying to figure something out, learn how to do something, and now that she is able to walk...assert her independence a bit.

i have to say that the last thing is my favorite. i truly LOVE watching her assert her independence. it is no small secret that i'm an independent heart. i truly believe that people can and should follow their dreams, regardless of where they take them. i like to break the rules of what is "conventional" or "expected" because i know that i can. i also know that i'd rather fail at something than never try.

there is so much more to the world than what we know and i think it's a pity to stay in our small boxes because we think that's all there is for us. O is just now exploring her little "world." she's started to figure out how to navigate her surroundings and get the things she wants in this life. i want her to get it all, as much as she wants, and enjoy everything she can.

being a mommy gives me membership in this exclusive club. a club of women who have given up pieces of themselves to make space for this new role. sometimes i wear my mommy hat, sometimes i wear my jenn hat and sometimes i wear both. finding that balance of mommyhood and jenniferhood is not's just different. i think if i polled 100 mommies i'd find that we all feel the same way...we struggle to hold onto ourselves when we join the mommyhood. it's a struggle, but it's not impossible.

my jenn hat is multi-faceted. my jenn hat is designed to be more than just the 22 year old girl at Avalon making out in the corner. my jenn hat is more than the girl making the slot machine for a station promotion for KMEL's Summer Jam. My jenn hat is more than lost loves and bad decisions before i met my husband. the jenn hat is always on and always changing. i think that sometimes it's easy for us to let our "hats" collect dust in the hat box in the closet. we put ourselves on the shelf to become this person that we think a "mommy" should be. But for me, the mommyhood is about being who i am, keeping myself closest of all. without me the O won't become the O she is destined to be. She needs to see her mom is more than just a "mom." She needs to hear about my desires, my dreams, and my fears. She needs to know that it is possible to have all the things you want...even if it means wearing many hats.