Sunday, November 30, 2008

some honest perspective

Olivia just turned 6 weeks old on Thanksgiving. I am amazed at how quickly these 6 weeks have passed. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was sitting on my couch, calling my friend Kerrie to ask her what being in labor felt like because I thought it was starting...and now here I am 6 weeks later with a small lady sleeping in her swing next to me while I type this, pay bills and try to register for Grad Classes - all before she wakes up and wants to visit with me!

I fondly remember and sometimes long for the days when Dave and I were a duo. Days when things were far less complicated. We were able to go out to eat on a Saturday night and not have to worry if the restaurant had a wait, we could sleep in on Sunday then have a lazy breakfast, we could go anywhere we wanted - anytime we wanted really - an impromptu dinner, a visit to a friend's house, or even a drive down the Cape just for fun - it was a different time in our lives.

Now just to leave the house we need to pack diapers, wipes, blankets, hats, toys..etc. It's amazing to me how my small person needs just to go to my parents house for the afternoon!! I suppose that is because at any minute she could pee, poop or puke (the 3 P's!) while I've mastered those skills all ready and don't need the extra change of clothes.

Truthfully though I do long for the simple times, I couldn't imagine our lives without her. She's just learning how to smile, she's cooing and talking a bit more and she even seems to be trying to hold her head up sometimes (ok so it's floppy most of the time...but she's trying!) It's exciting and really cool to watch her develop and see how she's going to grow up. I feel lucky that I had her at 30 versus my early or middle 20's though. It's easier to enjoy her since I have all ready done most of the things I want to do...I am ok if I can't go out to a bar on the weekend since I've done it, I don't need to go out to eat all the time, and I am not worried about what all my friends are doing since most of them are doing what I'm doing - changing diapers, kissing chubby cheeks and feeding little ones. I don't worry about my single ones either - I've done what they are doing and now have moved on. It's that honest perspective that allows me to be ok with unwashed hair, baby spit up and dirty sweatpants - it's that honest perspective that lets me know that these days will soon be a fond and distant memory that I'll long for.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i'm a SLAVE for you...

I am a slave...a slave to a little 10lb. person with blue eyes, a button nose and a little brown hair.

She cries - I answer, meaning I come running with a bottle, a clean diaper or just a little cuddle.
She has no concept of day or night so it's a 24 hour a day assignment with a little bit of time for blogging, showering, eating and talking to my husband who I see briefly each night.

Despite my exhaustion and sometimes massive frustration I love her and will do anything necessary to make her life a bit more comfortable.

For the next 40 to 50 years (or longer I hope) Olivia and I will be on this planet together and in one way or another she will always need something from me, so I guess it makes sense that we start now with our symbiotic slave relationship. I will be providing her with the basics to sustain life and ultimately i hope I'm able to provide her with so much more - advice when she gets into her first argument with a friend, keys to the car when she goes for her first solo ride, money to get a prom dress, an ear to talk to when she meets - dates - and dumps her first love, and anything else along the way she needs.

There are moments where she looks at me and I realize the amazing responsibility this slavery comes with, and there are moments when she is screaming crying and I can't console her that I want to open that bottle of wine Auntie Helene brought me. This slavery is a HUGE responsibility that I don't think anyone should take lightly. These little slave drivers don't come with any sort of instructions and frankly I'm amazed that I was allowed to just take her out of the hospital. Ultimately it's ok though because they will TELL you what they want - they just scream until they get it!

Monday, November 17, 2008

My first NIGHT OUT!!

Chris, me and Danielle at their weddding - November 8th

My brother Mike, me and my sister Beth at the wedding!

Dave and I at the wedding - sans Olivia!
So finally, after about a month Dave and I had a night out at my cousin Danielle's wedding! She was married on November 8th to an awesome guy who I totally love - Chris Angelillo. It's so great to see her so happy!!
Livy stayed with her GiGi (my Grammy) for a few hours (from about 5pm - 1030pm) so that Dave and I could attend the wedding and part of the was nice to be out for a few hours with other adults. I had a great time and it was nice to actually wear something other than hospital pants and a tank top.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

a simple twist of fate

3 weeks have passed and it feels like a lifetime. so much has changed in 3 weeks, it's amazing how different i've become. To quote a Jewel song "I feel so far from where I've been"

I seriously am just amazed at how far I've come as a person, not just as a parent, but as a woman. I was so different just a year ago at this time. It's amazing how different I am and how much things change.

I always knew I'd move back to MA from CA. It was a given. I knew that though I LOVED CA I would never marry someone out there and have a family. I couldn't have a child and live 3,000 miles away from my family. It just wasn't an option for me. I think that's part of the reason I couldn't settle down with anyone, even though I wanted to. There are men in CA who will ALWAYS have a piece of my heart, even though our relationships were doomed to fail. Without their failures I would not be where I am now. I wouldn't be married to Dave and we wouldn't have Olivia.

Dave and I met just 10 days after I moved home from CA. If you look at his life line and my life line, there are many instances in the early 2000's where we were running parallel. We knew a lot of the same people, perhaps were even at the same bar or party, and were hanging around the same town but we never met. I truly believe that we were meant to meet when we did and had we met any earlier our relationship would have been doomed. We wouldn't have worked out earlier and Olivia wouldn't have come into existence.

As for me, I certainly am an entirely different person now than I was years ago, I am even different than I was 3 weeks ago -
  • I constantly have my hair up in a messy pony tail and no make up
  • I wear the same pants day after day
  • I smell like the sweet aroma of breastmilk and baby wipes
  • I go to bed at 8pm so that I can be up several times during the night with my daughter so Dave can sleep
  • I love napping now more than I did in college
  • I can now change tv channels, feed the baby and eat a sandwich at the same time

It's amazing how much your life changes when you have a baby - how much you are willing to do for another little life...the big thing for me is going to be NOT losing too much of myself during the process. I want Olivia to always see the importance of being yourself regardless of where your life takes you and part of that means I need to lead by example. I need to show her it's ok to be impulsive, passionate and dedicated to the things that mean the most to her. AND the big thing is that it's important to follow your destiny so that you can find your fate. My destiny brought me to CA and back just so I could be here now. She is my fate I guess, or at least part of my fate. I am a lucky woman. I've done a lot of wonderful things in my life and I wish all the same for her.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

olivia hanging at home!

home resting


I LOVE to sleep!

Cousin Erin came to see me!

the head nod...

last night at about 2 am i was standing at my kitchen sink. while standing there warming a bottle and cleaning out some of my milk containers from the fridge i realized that Dave and I are now members of an exclusive club - a club that only parents belong to.

who else would get up in the middle of the night, warm a bottle and be thankful to get 3 hours of sleep at a time! it's funny because just 2 weeks ago i had no idea what we were getting into, and now i see that we really do have a great thing here. granted she keeps us busy and tired...but the look on her little face when she has a clean diaper and a full truly priceless.

now when i pass other parents on the street i will give them the head nod, that "hey, what's up" look because we are members of the club.