shout it out...

There is a voice inside of all of us, a part of us that gives us the drive to work towards the things that we desire.  He or she is always there, rooting us on, coaching us and inspiring us to move forward.  I've always been fairly in tune with my inner muse.  She has always been a screamer, which is fitting because I've never been the silent type.  Lately she has been silent, or at least I thought she was.  But really she has been screaming at me, I have just been too lost in my own fog to fully hear what she was trying to say.

But today, I figured out what my inner muse has been trying to say. She was trying to get my attention by being gentle, subtle even.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am anything but subtle.  She was trying to push me forward with her words of wisdom - maybe I wasn't ready to hear them, but today, just a few hours ago, she came through loud and clear.

"You will have it all," she keeps saying over and over.  Those five words were exactly what I needed to remember.  She knows that I hate feeling defined by the ordinary and typical.  She knows I need more to feel whole.  She gave me the confidence that I need to move forward.

I know what I need to do - it's time to mount the attack; prepare for the future and go forward armed with the knowledge that I WILL have it all.  There is no CAN or WILL TRY to have it all...it's a matter of the fact that I will do everything I imagine.

It's so simple to be complacent and just settle.  For me, that is not an option.  I can't settle in to just being one thing.  I want to be more.  I can be more and I should be.  I won't be defined as a wife, mother or daughter - I also won't be defined as a teacher or student.  I can and will be both. 

In the next few weeks I will mount my attack on the future.  It's time to get organized and take care of myself - mind, body and soul.  I will get my body back to pre-pre baby shape, I will continue to be an amazing mom and wife who takes care of her family AND I will do my job to the best of my ability.

And then I will pursue the bigger picture dreams I have for myself...pursuing my Doctoral degree, paying off some of my bills, raising my family and enjoying a few minutes now and then with friends. 

It's not where we start from that's important - it's getting to where we want to be that ultimately shows who we are.   

i don't love you, i always will

isn't that always the way?  you want to deny feelings that are there.  there is this need inside you, this ache, this desire for something that overtakes you, but at the same time - you push it away.  you know that even though your lips say one thing, your heart is speaking something completely different.  it's an intense feeling really, when you are conflicted like this.  there is no balance, no way to just be partly involved.  you are either not in love or you are.  it's hard to find the way to walk away when you feel so connected. 
it's hard to be truthful about your feelings and move forward.  your heart feels heavy, your thoughts race.  it's a heavy burden.  as you surpress your desire you know secretly that you will always harbor feelings.  always harbor a need...for chocolate.

yea, i have figured out that when I eat too much candy and chocolate Ben gets gassy...so despite my love affair, chocolate and i are taking a "break."