Euphoric, excited and overwhelmed...the first few weeks of being a new parent, even for the 2nd time, have been full of mixed emotions. Between late night feedings, constant diaper changes and recovering from a C-Section I've been holed up at home, trying to make heads and tails of becoming a four person family while taking care of myself.
C-Sections, though they may seem minor, are actually major abdominal surgery. With this type of surgery comes all sorts of risks; infection, bowel or bladder rupture, damage to the uterus, hematomas, bruising, numbness, etc. It's not an elective day surgery that I think most women would want to have if they really thought about it. There is this misconception that most women chose a CS (C-Section) out of convenience or vanity or they just want to pick when they have their child...for me, none of those options are true.
With my daughter I had no choice, after 29 hours of labor I was not progressing well, had a fever and my daughter was going into distress. Though I was "asked" if I wanted a CS, I wasn't really "asked." It was more out of courtesy that they let me feel like it was my choice. And even then, it was a complicated CS which led to substantial blood loss, a classical incision and so much fluid pumped into my body that I was swollen for nearly 8 weeks afterward. The recovery was rough and I was unable to breast feed - leading to months of pumping the milk out to provide it to my daughter.
My son, who was just born, had to be CS. Due to my classical incision it would be dangerous for me to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) so my CS was scheduled and that was that. I knew what to expect, but it didn't make my fear go away. I spent many nights leading up to my CS thinking about the shaking, the spinal/epidural and the feeling of helplessness as you lay strapped to a table. Even with my fairly extensive Cardiac history, I still find a CS far more invasive than Open Heart Surgery. You are so vulnerable as a surgeon removes your child forcefully from your abdomen. Mostly because for a CS you are there, present in your mind and awake as they operate on you. It is not something I would elect to do ever again.
My entire CS lasted about 2 hours. As I was being wheeled into recovery, I knew that I had a long road ahead. After five days in the hospital, I was discharged and sent home to recover only to be back in the hospital the following weekend with MRSA in the surgical wound and a 48 hour hospital stay on IV antibiotics. Even now, still on antibiotics, pumping out breastmilk that is unfit for consumption, I still feel the emotional toll of giving birth.
I spend most of my day happy and content and then will burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll cry and laugh at the same time. I'm emotional and even the smallest thing with set me off. Part of it is sleep deprivation, part of it is just hormones but all of it is a real condition. I think it's easy to assume that all new moms feel great and just accept their duties willingly. It's easier to look at the beauty of having a new life to love and cherish than it is to look at the depression, feelings of loneliness, despair and denial that can haunt a new mom.
There is a certain amount of loneliness that comes with the first few weeks of life after having a child. You are home, inevitably the people around you go back to work and you are there, to spend all day and night with an infant. And your infant will only communicate with you by crying to let you know they need something. They don't give you much emotion in response to your love and devotion. Couple that with the recovery from giving birth, the fact that you stink, your house is a mess and you feel ugly and fat and it's a recipe for waterworks.
I don't think there is any shame in the emotional let down of having a baby, in fact, I am embracing it. Sure, I am tired and stinky, but I have this amazing person to show for it. He is growing strong, healthy and is full of possibilities. I am excited to get to know him and see what kind of person he is. If anything, being his mom is a gift. The fact that I have two amazing children now plus a great family, a job I love and possibilities for personal and professional growth in the future is testament to the fact that you can have it all and more.
I'll let the waterworks come when they will - it means I'm normal, I'm emotional and most of all, I'm a new mom.
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