to say that i love my dress is not accurate. i like it, but by no means do i love it. at 13 weeks pregnant it looked so much different than it did today when i put it on. now at 1 day shy of 24 weeks (6 months) it looked so different. *note photo to the left.i guess in my mind i didn't really get how i was going to look in this dress...i mean, i thought i'd look cute but still pregnant, but i put the dress on and i didn't hate it, but it certainly wasn't a maternity dress...it's a regular dress i'm trying to alter. i just think i should have gotten a maternity gown from the beginning. i don't mind the color, the style or the dress itself, but just not on me.
i actually cried when i put it on...and it wasn't tears of joy...it was sad tears. thank GOD for Kerrie. she said she thought i might have a breakdown, but truthfully i had a breakdown. most brides cry because they are so happy with how the look and i cried because i just feel so awkward about being a pregnant bride. i realize that MANY women are pregnant when they get married. I know that rationally in my head...but for whatever reason I just can't accept it and embrace it. i really wish dave and i had put off the wedding UNTIL after i had given birth, so that i could have just enjoyed my wedding without some extra stress of the fact that i am pregnant and don't feel like i'm the bride i always envisioned i'd be. i guess the big thing is though i'm not a girly girl, i always knew that when i did get married it's be a beautiful day full of my family and friends...and that i'd be able to drink, party, and live it up. and that i'd be in a gorgeous dress and look amazing...but since i'm not in my first choice dress and i can barely stay up past 10:00pm this doesn't look like it's going to be the best of times...oh well...i should have thought of this at week 13...live and learn on that one i guess.
it's so hard to be a pregnant person anyway - between the swollen feet and ankles, the constant need to pee, the HUGE boobs, and the general feeling of malaise most of the day being pregnant for me has NOT been a picnic but being pregnant and knowing that i'm getting married has been stressing me out a lot. i've had the flu at 8 weeks, random bleeding at 10 weeks, and the shingles for weeks 21 and 22 (random neck rash noted in a few posts prior)! i just don't feel pretty...
now none of this means i don't want to get married, because i am SOOO excited to marry Dave. He's amazing, i'm not worried about that part of it, but i just am not comfortable doing all the traditional marriage stuff...i feel foolish...it's just me, not anyone else, and i take full responsibility for the feelings i have. it's all me...maybe it's hormones, maybe it's just stress, maybe this all means i have really bitten off more than i can chew with this wedding and a pregnancy...and I NEVER feel overwhelmed...so clearly i have taken on too much.
No comments:
Post a Comment