Finding the Mommy in ME

the mourning period

2012-02-09T17:35:00.000-05:00

It's hard to explain the transition into nothingness that takes place when you become a parent. I remember when I went back to work after having Olivia. I remember the feeling of freedom I had when I dropped her off at daycare. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with her, but I wanted a few hours with adults - a few hours in dress pants, a few hours where my time wasn't spent elbow deep in breast milk and baby poop. It was during that first month back at work in 2008 that I came to grips with the mourning that parenthood brought for me. I mourned the loss of the independence I had, the freedom to go out and have a beer if I wanted, to sleep in, to actually be a person who was valued for more than just their ability to feed a baby and maneuver the remote control simultaneously.

It is because of this feeling of mourning that I would never make a good stay at home mom. I blame this on the push women on my age have felt to go to college and make careers for ourselves. There was a time, before I was born, when a women didn't necessarily have to work outside of the home. A woman felt value in staying home with her children...with being a wife, mother and homemaker. For me and women of my age, we have been given the freedom and control of our destinies that the mothers before us didn't have. I was told that I would go to college, get a good job, maintain a career and all the while, I was expected to at some point settle down and have a family. It is no wonder that it takes most of us near to 30 years (if not longer) to begin to think of settling down. We wait. Wait for our careers to get established, to make money, travel, drink wine, dance, kiss unexpected boys in the rain and discover ourselves. By the time most of the women I know found the time to have children they had spent nearly a decade building a life for themselves. They had careers, were in management and most of them had multiple degrees.

It is natural in my opinion for most women to mourn the loss of themselves during the first few months after childbirth. Even as I sit at home on my 2nd maternity leave I continue to mourn. I am mourning the loss of more of my hard earned money to daycare, the loss of the renewed freedom my husband and I had with a 3 year old. We are starting over with a new child - back to diapers, bottles and toilet training.

Mourning is different than post partum depression in the sense that it isn't about feeling sad, it's just about feeling the loss of self that I feel during this time. Right now I am unbalanced and lonely. I am figuring out how to be a mother to two very different people and a good wife and in a few more weeks I will add work back into this equation.

I won't mourn forever, after the loss comes acceptance...and then comes the joy. It just takes me a few minutes to get there.

Is Rusty still in the Navy?

2012-01-31T12:18:00.000-05:00

My brother Mike came to visit this past weekend. It was bizarre because honestly I didn't know he was coming and usually, he tells me and I help coordinate his arrival on surprise days...mostly because I am the best at keeping secrets and I am the most organized at arranging pick ups and drop offs without anyone knowing what I am up to. For this visit Mike utilized my father. Amazingly enough, my dad did NOT spill the beans about Mike's pending visit. Which I know for him, was probably the most difficult secret to keep from our family.

I was very lucky that I got to spend multiple days hanging out with my younger brother. It's not often that he and I get to just sit and talk about life, work, love, family, etc...so it was wonderful to be able to have a visit.

O was completely taken by her Uncle Michael and hasn't stopped talking about him since he left. For her, he has always been just a name, mostly because he lives in the Orlando, FL area and it's hard for us to get down to visit him with kids, work, me completing my M.Ed...in general just life getting in the way. I have yet to visit him in Florida, which I hope to rectify at some point in 2012. Even if we could go for a few days, I'd love to see where he lives, see him perform, and just get a glimpse into his life. O loved playing with him while he was here...I think she might have a career in the arts...apparently she was excellent at improv!

When I was in CA and he was in Chicago, we made it a point to visit each other. Thanksgivings at each other's houses, random trips to see each other. I had a wonderful time every time I saw my brother. I will always be grateful that I got to see him during that time in his life - cheap beer, going out to his local bar with his friends, comedy, improv, football on the street, a dollar bill engagement ring, interesting conversations, the shocker story, turkey covered in bacon on Thanksgiving, an apartment with two kitchens...I feel fortunate that I got to see that part of his life.
My brother is truly an amazing person. He has lived in Chicago and Orlando and has pursued his dream of bringing entertainment to the people. He continues to work on developing his craft as an improviser and as an actor. He has done voice-work, commercial work, hosted Internet based programming and continues to work at Walt Disney World as a cast member of three attractions. I am proud of him for working toward his dreams and not being afraid to go for the life and career he wants.
I think it's easy for so many of us to get lost on the way to our actual initial dream/vision. Looking back at our childhood dreams, my brother wanted to be an actor as long as I can remember. He even said that the person he admired most in elementary school was the actor Kevin Kline.

I had many dreams - Astronaut, Solid Gold Dancer, Cardiologist, Singer, Artist, Architect, member of the US Military as a Public Affairs Officer, Radio DJ, Marketing Director, Teacher, Scientist, Meteorologist, Wife and Mother. Some of my dreams I have reached, others I failed at miserably...but without those failures I would not be the person I am today. And for the record, my dreaming days are not over...I will still be more things before I'm done.

Rome wasn't built in a day

2012-01-30T12:33:00.002-05:00

And I won't lose 40 lbs in a day either. The one part of having a baby that I find the most frustrating is the physical recovery. As of today, I am down 25lbs...leaving me with 15lbs to lose before I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Now that weight isn't just fat, it comes along with flabby skin and what I like to call "my overhang" where the residual belly fat actually hangs over my C-Section scar, which is awesome (snicker, cry, laugh on the inside).

There is a major disconnect in society and in women's minds, that says that we should all be in our pre-pregnancy jeans just days after birth. Between celebrities who have babies and 6 weeks later are seen looking svelt and fit and tv programs that show misleading fictional characters giving birth and then returning to a size 4, it's not a surprise, that many women are a bit off when they think about the recovery time from giving birth.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are bionic women out there, with fantastic genetics, who 6 weeks after birth look fantastic...but for most of us, the genetically typical, it takes work, dedication and time. For me, it will take at least 9 months, if not closer to a year, for me to be back to 100% normal physically. As frustrating as that is, I just keep reminding myself that I am not abnormal if it takes me a longer amount of time to lose weight and get back to my normal self. It just means my body is healing at it's own pace and in it's own time. There is nothing wrong with that.

A tear in my hand...a baby in the carriage

2012-01-24T14:33:00.000-05:00

Euphoric, excited and overwhelmed...the first few weeks of being a new parent, even for the 2nd time, have been full of mixed emotions. Between late night feedings, constant diaper changes and recovering from a C-Section I've been holed up at home, trying to make heads and tails of becoming a four person family while taking care of myself.

C-Sections, though they may seem minor, are actually major abdominal surgery. With this type of surgery comes all sorts of risks; infection, bowel or bladder rupture, damage to the uterus, hematomas, bruising, numbness, etc. It's not an elective day surgery that I think most women would want to have if they really thought about it. There is this misconception that most women chose a CS (C-Section) out of convenience or vanity or they just want to pick when they have their child...for me, none of those options are true.

With my daughter I had no choice, after 29 hours of labor I was not progressing well, had a fever and my daughter was going into distress. Though I was "asked" if I wanted a CS, I wasn't really "asked." It was more out of courtesy that they let me feel like it was my choice. And even then, it was a complicated CS which led to substantial blood loss, a classical incision and so much fluid pumped into my body that I was swollen for nearly 8 weeks afterward. The recovery was rough and I was unable to breast feed - leading to months of pumping the milk out to provide it to my daughter.

My son, who was just born, had to be CS. Due to my classical incision it would be dangerous for me to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) so my CS was scheduled and that was that. I knew what to expect, but it didn't make my fear go away. I spent many nights leading up to my CS thinking about the shaking, the spinal/epidural and the feeling of helplessness as you lay strapped to a table. Even with my fairly extensive Cardiac history, I still find a CS far more invasive than Open Heart Surgery. You are so vulnerable as a surgeon removes your child forcefully from your abdomen. Mostly because for a CS you are there, present in your mind and awake as they operate on you. It is not something I would elect to do ever again.

My entire CS lasted about 2 hours. As I was being wheeled into recovery, I knew that I had a long road ahead. After five days in the hospital, I was discharged and sent home to recover only to be back in the hospital the following weekend with MRSA in the surgical wound and a 48 hour hospital stay on IV antibiotics. Even now, still on antibiotics, pumping out breastmilk that is unfit for consumption, I still feel the emotional toll of giving birth.

I spend most of my day happy and content and then will burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll cry and laugh at the same time. I'm emotional and even the smallest thing with set me off. Part of it is sleep deprivation, part of it is just hormones but all of it is a real condition. I think it's easy to assume that all new moms feel great and just accept their duties willingly. It's easier to look at the beauty of having a new life to love and cherish than it is to look at the depression, feelings of loneliness, despair and denial that can haunt a new mom.

There is a certain amount of loneliness that comes with the first few weeks of life after having a child. You are home, inevitably the people around you go back to work and you are there, to spend all day and night with an infant. And your infant will only communicate with you by crying to let you know they need something. They don't give you much emotion in response to your love and devotion. Couple that with the recovery from giving birth, the fact that you stink, your house is a mess and you feel ugly and fat and it's a recipe for waterworks.

I don't think there is any shame in the emotional let down of having a baby, in fact, I am embracing it. Sure, I am tired and stinky, but I have this amazing person to show for it. He is growing strong, healthy and is full of possibilities. I am excited to get to know him and see what kind of person he is. If anything, being his mom is a gift. The fact that I have two amazing children now plus a great family, a job I love and possibilities for personal and professional growth in the future is testament to the fact that you can have it all and more.

I'll let the waterworks come when they will - it means I'm normal, I'm emotional and most of all, I'm a new mom.

How old is three really?

2011-12-28T12:03:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been thinking about all of the things my daughter can do. She gets herself dressed sometimes, will try to help me cook things, use a measuring cup (not accurately), has been practicing writing her name. She can tell you what street she lives on, what town she lives in, the number of her house. She knows her colors, shapes, days of the week, months of the year...it's amazing how her little brain can absorb so many things. I am really blessed to have such an inquisitive and intelligent little girl.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because we treat her like a little 3 year old adult. We don't talk to her like she's a baby. We encourage her to explore and create and figure things out. She's at that stage where I am encouraging her to use her words more and whine less. She is turning into an independent little lady. I love it and I sometimes worry that her growth and childhood will be rushed. I love that she is so independent, but I don't want her to become a big girl too quick.
I always ask her if she can stay small forever...and she says "no mamma, I have to get big so that I can cook dinner for you."

hello old friend, what if we meet again?

2011-12-23T19:13:00.002-05:00

If the 33 year old me and the 25 year old me were to meet (thanks to Doc and the Delorean) what would I say to myself?

I often wonder if 25 year old me was prepared for what was ahead, or if I was so wrapped up in being 25 that I missed out on opportunities.

There is no doubt that 25 year old Jenn was NOT mommy material. She was definitely selfish, motivated, fairly cute and also uncertain about what she really wanted out of life. I am guessing 33 year old Jenn would tell her to have fun and stop worrying so much. I'd probably also tell her to be truthful.

Not that I was a liar at 25, but I was fair self-destructive in the sense that I wasn't honest with myself.
I wouldn't want O to hang out with the 25 year old me. She would probably not be the best role model for a cute 3 year old girl.

I guess knowing that I'm heading into my mid-30's as a mom, teacher, wife, scrapbooker, blogger, adventure seeker, philosopher and cheese enthusiast makes me wonder how many times in life I will change. I love that there is not definites in life. Nothing is carved out as an absolute. O has the opportunity to be who she wants and she can make mistakes...just like I did - at 18, 25 and probably will again before this journey is over.

I think 25 year old me would be somewhat relieved to meet 33 year old me. I think she'd be happy to know that the "happy ending" is possible...even though 33 year old me would call this the "happy beginning"

Bills, babies and money..oh my!

2011-12-18T21:43:00.001-05:00

I wish I even knew what I wanted to write about, but there is just so much swimming around in my head tonight that I am not even sure where to begin with it all.

I'm less than 20 days from my scheduled C-Section with my second child. I am excited, scared and happy all at the same time. My body is definitely feeling the toll of this pregnancy - being that I've gained just under 40 pounds - I am starting to really feel the cramps in my back, legs, etc.

I am also still working full time and coming home to a 3 year old. Luckily for me, I have an awesome husband who takes care of me and is a HUGE help with the O. Our schedules work out that he is able to help me in the evenings, which is awesome because my cankles need to be rested. By the end of my work day I have ankles that are big, big enough that I am unable to wear real shoes anymore. Thank goodness for my 3 year old Walmart clogs and my Old Navy cloth boots from last season.

My last day at CRLS is scheduled to be January 4th, with my C-Section on January 5th at 9:30am. I am hoping I will make it until then. I really feel like there is a good chance I will. I have had some contractions, but nothing that has been organized and consistent enough to get me going into labor. That doesn't mean anything though, when it's meant to be it is meant to be...so we can PLAN on a C-Section, but who really knows...this kid and my body will ultimately work together to make things happen when it's time.

I'll be out of work for 3 months, with half of that time being paid. I am hoping that I can actually stay out the whole 3 months, but if finances end up being an issue, I will be going back earlier. I want to stay home longer, but financially I will need to do what is write for my family. It's amazing how expensive life is. Even with the amount of money we make, I still find us pushing our budget to the limit each month!

I think the financial stress of having two kids and owning a home is getting to me a bit. I look at the money, do the budget and we are living paycheck to paycheck. We have enough money to pay our bills, put food on the table, buy oil and gas, but truthfully we don't make enough to save any right now. My hope is that after some of our revolving debts are paid down we will be a little bit more comfortable. I am doing my best to manage our money but it's hard. I know there are a lot of families who are in our boat, but it is worth it to know that O has a home, a safe place to live and doesn't want for things.

I am also using this as an opportunity be come a better spender and pay more attention to deals and bargains. I am thinking I am finding new ways to save money and actually feel sort of excited when I get a deal. I can see why a lot of families buy in bulk, use coupons and figure out ways to make their budget go a little bit further. I am thinking we will be fine, but it is always a struggle...or at least I feel the struggle. I just keep reminding myself in the immortal words of my GiGi "This too shall pass."

2nd time around...

2011-11-26T09:10:00.001-05:00

Being pregnant for a 2nd time is so different than the first. I'm guessing this is purely do to the fact that I don't have the time to obsess over every single pain, gurgle or baby movement. I'm busy watching O most of the time or working or cleaning, cooking, etc...so I'm not as obsessed with every baby feeling.

Baby G2 is due on January 10th, but do to complications during the birth of O, I'm forced into a repeat C-Section. It is going to take place on January 5th at 9:30am. I did not pick the date or time...I left it up to the High Risk OB who is performing the procedure. Dave and I did not want the responsibility for picking our child's birthday, we wanted it to be as close to random as it could be.

I am excited to meet Baby G2, but I am stressed about how we are going to make it all work financially. Money is going to be tight - for the next 5 years or so. LOL. So that freaks me out, but other than that, the prospect of having a small person is exciting. I'm hapy that O will have a sibling and that our family will increase by 1, but I know in my heart that even if I wasn't medically banned from having another child, I wouldn't go for 3. I feel like at this point, 2 is really all we would be able to handle - emotionally, mentally and financially. Nevermind the fact that I don't really think my body could go for 3. I think it's reached it's physical peak with Baby G2.

In just under 6 full weeks, Baby G2 will be joining our little family. I look forward to welcoming him or her to the fold - and watching O develop into a big sister!

Occupy This...

2011-11-13T21:10:00.001-05:00

First, let me start off by saying that I am firm believer in the rights of citizens to be open about their disappointment with the way the government is run. I think it's amazing that we live in a nation where people can express their feelings under protection of the law. I believe people should always stick by their guns and really remain true to their beliefs.

Ok - now that I've given my disclaimer, I feel I can say that I am really sick of the Occupy Boston (or insert any city here) Movement. I am not against the initial messaging of the discrepancy in the distribution of wealth, but I am against the movement in it's current form.

It seems that the people who are occupying Boston don't even seem to know why they are there. Or can't even explain what problems they have with the government that prompted them to join the movement. There was even one woman who even said that she just wanted to "occupy," but had no real reason for being there. She was a protestor in the 1970's and wanted to join in the "fun."

I've heard other reports of crime, sexual assault, public bathroom usage and drug crimes going on in the "tent cities" across the nation, but for some reason it does not seem like much is being done about it by the police. I realize that citizens have the right to decline police services, but this just seems ridiculous to me. Aren't the places that these people are "occupying" publically owned? And in that case shouldn't these people be policed appropriately?

Also, it is infuriating to me that people are saying the live in "tent cities" with communal governments that seems to be making their own rules and trying to police themselves. They don't live in a separate city, they are a group of people, with no real unified message, that are camping out on public property.

In Boston, these people are being given electricity! Seriously? I find that completely foolish. If I paid taxes to live in Boston, and my tax money was paying for this - I think I'd be OCCUPYING CITY HALL asking the Mayor to cut these people off! There is no real reason any of these people should be getting free electricity to take over the Rose Kennedy Greenway. I wonder if any of the money used to clean up this mess will come from state taxes? If I find out it is, I will be on the phone with the Governor's office everyday. There are plenty of other ways tax money could have been productively spent without spending it to repair the mess these people are making.

All this is on top of the fact that the Occupiers do not have any permits to be on the greenway. A paid and planned event, which was permitted, was actually cancelled this year because of the Occupiers. That is really just a great example of how much control a group of disorganized people have had over one area of Boston. It is a disgrace.

And finally - My formal response to the sect of Occupiers who say that they are unable to pay bills, get jobs, etc...

"I am not in the 1%. I am in the process of paying back over 60k worth of student loans for both my Undergraduate and Masters Degree programs. Each month I pay my debt back on time and in full. My husband and I also own a home, pay a mortgage and our bills. We live within our means and still manage to survive. We don't expect handouts or bailouts, but work for what we have. I have a 3 year old who goes to daycare and a baby on the way. I believe America is about doing what you have to do to survive and thrive, just as those who founded our country did. Rather than complain about all the things I don't have and ask other people to give me some of there wealth, I intend to work for the things I want and build my own future. I am part of the 99% who is where they are due to hard work, perserverance and sacrifice."

return of the mom

2011-11-02T21:25:00.001-04:00

I lost my google password. that's where i've been. i've not been hiding, or abstaining from media...i honestly lost the password to the site! i found it today and couldn't have been happier! i completely missed my creative outlet to vent, rant and muse about the happenings of mommyhood, wifedom and the constant inner struggles of an independent woman confined to the life she's created. :) in a good way of course!
more to come...

the future is the past is the future

2010-07-25T23:32:00.002-04:00

O's future is so much tied into my past. I never realized that before, but recently I've been thinking about how she might be more like me than I thought. I have always been an independent woman. I love the idea of O being like me.

I fought tooth and nail to be my own person, and I continue to fight for independence. I wonder if O will be like me? I wonder if she will want to be on her own. I wonder if she will be an independent thinker and want to tear away from me...the thing is, I won't stop her.

I hope, secretly, that she will want to branch out, move away, and explore. I hope that I can give her a firm base from which she can explore, and know she will always be able to come back to. I love that she fights for her independence now.

Everytime she yells "no Mamma...I do!" I smile. I can't help it. I love that she wants to be independent and wants to do what she can on her own. It's fantastic to have a daughter who wants to be her own person, even though it is hard to rein her in...well, she's nearly 2, what should I expect...she is such a great baby. I don't want to rein her in. i want her to be her own girl...

and in the end, no matter what she decides to do, i want her to be herself...even if she never leaves me!!!

past lives

2010-01-29T19:04:00.002-05:00

i've always believed in reincarnation. i know, as un Christian of a belief as it is, i've always just felt that we all cycle the earth several times. i think back to the first time i heard about reincarnation, i was in high school and i was talking to a wiccan woman who told me about it. I was extremely intrigued by the idea. she told me that by looking at someone's birth chart (a chart based on the celestial bodies locations at the time of your birth) you could see how many lives they've lived etc.

i always envisioned it like the rings in the trunk of a tree. the older the tree the more rings...anyway, i remember her telling me that this was my 2nd to last life "cycle" in the cosmos...or at least on earth. which was shocking, but seemed right to me.

i mean, i've always been an older leaning thinker, i've always been somewhat conservative (though i'm guessing my mother would take this moment to remind me of my early 20's...), and i've always had odd fascinations with specific timeframes, events, presidents, etc.

the theory that was presented to me also postulated that the people around you in every life have been around you for centuries. that your mom is this life might have been your sister in another life. your dad could have been your son, and so on and so on. meaning that our souls surround ourselves with the same souls over and over again. this notion i truly connected with because it gave more meaning to those i feel the closest too...it gave more meaning to my friendships, past lovers, and my family. it brings to mind a lot of people i knew for a short time or people that greatly changed me and what our true connection is/was/will be.

today on the way to work i saw a billboard for a show called "past lives" which brought all of this line of thinking to the forefront of my mind, which in turn lead me to think about the timeframes that i feel a connection to.

specifically i have always had an interest in the 1600's-1700's, colonialism, benjamin franklin, 1930's fashion, harry truman, and some specific songs from the 1970's.

i think that these are questions that someday the O will be looking for answers too. she'll hear about reincarnation, want to talk about religion, my beliefs and my opinions. whether she agrees with me or not, i think it's important that i have a firm ground to stand, and teach her to develop the same type of ground.

who knows...she could have been the one to teach me that years ago...

infection anyone?

2010-01-24T22:10:00.005-05:00

lately i've been traveling with a box of puffs plus in my bag...being sick is no fun! i can't believe how sick i was this past week...constantly blowing my nose, coughing, fever, headache...i looked like someone punched me in the face!! i had it all - the swollen cheeks, black circles around my eyes...it was a rough week.

turns out the cold i had two weeks ago or what i thought was a cold turned into a sinus infection/double ear infection combo. seriously? how ridiculous is that. i was told by the professionals in my doctor's office that the flying to SF compounded it and that i may in fact have had a mild flu being that i had a fever from Saturday thru Wednesday evening. I managed to miss a weeks worth of work, which as a teacher is never a good thing, plus the O has an ear infection too!

we are both on amoxicillin and i think today was the first day in weeks that i didn't feel like someone kicked me in the face. i don't look great, but i look passable and tomorrow i'm going to go back to work. i am not going to over work myself (still sticking away from the gym until i'm 100% better) but going to sit at my desk and do some paperwork shouldn't be too bad...i'll just bring my puffs plus and a lot of hand sanitizer.

i wouldn't wish this type of sickness on anyone. i could barely go 10 minutes without blowing my nose until it was practically inside out, nevermind the headache, teethache and just general feeling of craptasticness.

i figure i have no where to go but up at this point...and i wasn't planning on getting flu shots...but being that a sinus/ear infection got me as sick as it did...i think that i'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow about getting them. i really don't want to get sick again this winter...i can't handle another bout of sitting on my couch and feeling like i was run over by a bull in Pamplona. there is nothing attractive about a red nose (unless you are Rudolph) and a pile of snotty tissues on the coffee table. good thing i'm married or i think that i would have scared dave away!

here's to feeling better!!!

oh the mommyhood of it all!

2009-12-30T09:15:00.002-05:00

mommyhood is such a strange and delicious journey. somedays i am just so amazed when i look at my small girl. she's just a little vision all the time! i can see the wheels of her mind working. she's always trying to figure something out, learn how to do something, and now that she is able to walk...assert her independence a bit.

i have to say that the last thing is my favorite. i truly LOVE watching her assert her independence. it is no small secret that i'm an independent heart. i truly believe that people can and should follow their dreams, regardless of where they take them. i like to break the rules of what is "conventional" or "expected" because i know that i can. i also know that i'd rather fail at something than never try.

there is so much more to the world than what we know and i think it's a pity to stay in our small boxes because we think that's all there is for us. O is just now exploring her little "world." she's started to figure out how to navigate her surroundings and get the things she wants in this life. i want her to get it all, as much as she wants, and enjoy everything she can.

being a mommy gives me membership in this exclusive club. a club of women who have given up pieces of themselves to make space for this new role. sometimes i wear my mommy hat, sometimes i wear my jenn hat and sometimes i wear both. finding that balance of mommyhood and jenniferhood is not overwhelming...it's just different. i think if i polled 100 mommies i'd find that we all feel the same way...we struggle to hold onto ourselves when we join the mommyhood. it's a struggle, but it's not impossible.

my jenn hat is multi-faceted. my jenn hat is designed to be more than just the 22 year old girl at Avalon making out in the corner. my jenn hat is more than the girl making the slot machine for a station promotion for KMEL's Summer Jam. My jenn hat is more than lost loves and bad decisions before i met my husband. the jenn hat is always on and always changing. i think that sometimes it's easy for us to let our "hats" collect dust in the hat box in the closet. we put ourselves on the shelf to become this person that we think a "mommy" should be. But for me, the mommyhood is about being who i am, keeping myself closest of all. without me the O won't become the O she is destined to be. She needs to see her mom is more than just a "mom." She needs to hear about my desires, my dreams, and my fears. She needs to know that it is possible to have all the things you want...even if it means wearing many hats.

definition

2009-11-29T00:52:00.002-05:00

tonight i was watching "Confession of a Shopaholic" and something that Rebecca Bloomwood's dad said in the movie hit me, it actually is resonating in my head as I type. He said "the only thing that defines me is your mom and you" to his daughter as she tried to tell him that the RV that he bought was the definition of him.

The real reason this speaks to me is that I've been grappling with what defines me for about 3 years now. Since I left radio I have fought with the definition of "me." I always defined myself as a girl who worked "in the media." I prided myself on the fact that I have always known what musicians were the next big thing. I remember telling my dad, in the very room that I am typing this now, how Sarah MacLachlan would be huge. I have always had an ear for music that is uncanny. I have always felt connected to music. In college I thought I would be an architect, but truthfully my talent and passion drew me to communications. I ended up spending 8 years employed in the radio industry and I left nearly 3 years ago to go into education.

I went into education with the intention of becoming a teacher so that I could become a Communications Professor. I never intended to be at a HS or to be a Transition Coordinator in Special Education. I thoguht I was going to teach Radio to College kids. I hoped that I could help people find their way the same way that Estill, Bush and Batra did for me. I am so pleased with how well I did in the industry that I wanted to give back. I had no idea that I would find another path, and in turn struggle with that path. In fairness, I am a good, not great, but good Transition Coordinator. I truly love that I am helping people with disabilities find their way in the world. I feel gratified knowing that I am really impacting people who need me.

Hearing the line in the movie that John Goodman so eloquently delivered reminded me of the most important fact in my life...Olivia and Dave define me. In the end, when I die, it's not going to matter as much what I did for work, but it is going to matter how I loved my husband and daughter. I have struggled my entire life with thoughts of "who" I am. I've thought about my gravestone. I've thought about that fact that I do not want it to say that I am a good "Promotions Director" or good "Marketing Director". I want to be remembered as a mom and a sister, a wife, a woman.

I have always wanted to be more than what I do for work. Ironically, I am easily drawn into my profession, regardless of what it is. I strive to be a model employee, a hard working person. It's hard for me to not do my best and excel. I almost feel guilty for being good at my job now. I have no real training and spent 8 years working to be the best I could in radio...it messes me up to be so good at Transition. I feel awful even talking to other professionals about it...I feel like I should just keep my mouth shut...like I am not qualified to speak. I always find myself qualifing statments I make about students with "I've only been in education for 3 years," or "I don't have my Master's Degree yet, but...." It's just not right. I am either in or out. I have to be either about it or not about it...I know that I care for the students I oversee. I want them to have a great experience in the work world. I want them to feel like their internships are worthwhile. I am overwhelmed sometimes, even when I do my best.

I guess in the end definition is an individual thing. It's about what we take seriously, what we take personally, and what we internalize. It's what we believe we are. What we want to be. it's more than today or next week, it's about tomorrow and the day after that...and it's about the future.

I will never regret my definition as long as O takes the positive from it. I want her to be a good person, an honest person. I want her to keep her heart open, her mind open and to live her life to the fullest. I want her to put her head down each night knowing that she did the best she coudl each day. I will always worry about her, but will keep my heart open for her if she needs me.

Definition is fluid. beyond today but before tomorrow. i will always keep my heart open to O's definition of her life so that I can guide her as she wants me too. The truth in my heart reminds me to keep my definition loose and fluid...I believe in reinvention and change. I believe in today.

you can go home again

2009-08-31T08:09:00.002-04:00

what is the true meaning of "home?" it's the word used to describe the place you go to feel at ease, relax, recharge, rest and live. it can be more than just a place. it can be a feeling or a sentiment. it's where you, as a being, identify as your beginning; the place where you became you.

recently, dave and i have taken stock of the things we want for ourselves and our family. we want to give O all the things that she deserves, most importantly, a sense of home. currently we rent an apartment that though it is where we live, it's not our "home." it's someone else's home that we live in. and with the cost of daycare, student loans, diapers, etc...it's not likely that we'll be able to purchase a home in the next 7-8 years. it's not that we can't afford a mortgage, it's that we can't get enough money together for a down payment towards a home of our own.

We want to give Olivia a backyard, a swingset, a neighborhood. we want her to grow up on a street where she can go outside and play with other kids her age, where her neighbors become her friends and playmates, where she can learn to ride her bike, play one-two-three red light, and build a lemonade stand.

To give her this better life that Dave and I envision we have accepted a gracious offer from my parents to move into their home. The commute for Dave will be long (45 miles each way - through the city) plus we'll be living in three rooms upstairs in their home. a bedroom for O, a bedroom for us and a living room/playroom.

it's a compromise for them and for us, but in the long run it is going to lead to O having a sense of self, a sense of belonging, and living a wonderful life in her own bedroom and growing up in a house that she can call home. it will give dave and i a place to call our own, the place where our family can grow and we too can find ourselves. i want a yard, i'd like a fire pit, a pool maybe and be able to decorate the way i'd want too. i want to invite family and friends over and have the space to entertain. i want to get up on a nice warm morning and drink my coffee outside on my porch. i want a home that we own.

as for Olivia, we are going to give her a sold base from which to explore. no matter where her journey through life takes her, she'll always have this place to return too, a place where she can come to recharge, relax and reconnect. a place she will know as "home."

Goodbye old friend

2009-08-12T20:44:00.004-04:00

Hearing about the end of WBCN is like hearing about the passing of a sick friend. In the back of my mind I always thought the death was coming, but I didn't know when it would be, and even though I expected it eventually, I am still shocked and blindsided when it happens.

Even 7 years ago, when I left BCN to head to California there were rumblings of the flip to sports talk. It was something that was always in the back of my mind and yesterday it finally happened. My first job, the site where I got my start as an employee, as an adult, has become Boston's new home for sports talk. The rock station I know and love no longer exists.

I remember my first day at WBCN in July of 2000. I walked in, nervous, uncertain and afraid. I had accepted the job of Continuity Director, a job that in all honesty I wasn't entirely sure that I knew how to do, at the biggest and most powerful rock radio station in Boston. It was my first job after Norwich, the first step in what would be an amazing journey.

On my first day I met people I had listened to on the air...Bill Abbate, Nik Carter, Deek, DJ Melissa. It was surreal to meet people I had listened to and admired. It was bizarre to be part of something that people listened to everyday...even if I was just making sure the commercials ran on time and in the right spots.

Over the course of the 2 years that I worked at BCN I grew not only as a person, but as an employee and a professional. I figured out what I wanted to do in the industry, I learned from the best - with people like Oedipus, Tony, Steven, John, and Chachi around I always felt like I was surrounded by professionals who were always willing to share a story or some advice. I fell in love with radio there. I fell in love with the energy, the lifestyle, and the joy it brought me to be part of something bigger than myself.

While at BCN I found love, had my heart broken, and made out. I got over my ex-fiance there and let go of the hurt he left me with. I learned how to navigate Boston after a few festive beverages in the North End. I went to rock shows on weeknights, I stayed out too late and laughed to hard. It was more than just a place I worked, it was like a second home. I always knew that I could count on seeing a friendly face there, regardless of the time of day or night.

I will always fondly remember my time there and will forever value the lessons I learned within those walls. It was more than just my first job, it was THE place that I needed to give me my start in the world.

I am honored to be a small part of a place that meant so much to so many. I will forever to be indebted to WBCN for helping build my confidence and helping me find my place in the radio industry and giving me the confidence to travel out into the world and pursue my dreams.

obviously ordinary...

2009-07-16T21:53:00.002-04:00

lately i have been feeling ordinary, i've been feeling like my life has taken a turn to the plain.

as a child i'd walk home from the park on bailey road and my life felt like a movie. i felt like i was the star of a journey bigger than myself...and ultimately i do think my life has been extraordinary...i've done things that i never dreamed of, i've lived in beautiful places, i've driven across the country, changed careers (successfully), got married, had a beautiful daughter...

maybe i'm just in a lull. the calm before the journey picks up again...

i am a victim of my own desire to challenge myself and experience as much as i can. maybe i need to calm down, take a breathe and enjoy the calm...

summer vacation

2009-06-24T09:03:00.002-04:00

so it's here. it's june and summer vacation has started! O and I have approximately 10 weeks to hang out, explore, and just continue to grow our mother-daughter bond.

it's weird to be home with her. i'm not used to having so much free time. our days are usually scheduled so we don't have much flexibility, but right now we are just feeling our way through the day. I'm trying to help her get comfortable with being home and i'm trying to find things to do to fill the day!

we play, she eats, she naps, we play, she eats, she naps...that seems to be the pattern.

today we are going to go shopping, maybe go for a walk (if it doesn't rain), and probably just play a bit. so much fun!

the end result

2009-05-25T21:15:00.002-04:00

lately i've been feeling nostalgic. it started when an old friend of mine posted pictures on his facebook of a trip we took with the Wilmington HS Marching Band to Washington DC in 1994. I was looking at the pictures and honestly couldn't remember the trip. I have seriously NO memories from it and remember NOTHING about it. Scary as that is and the fact that it indicates another possible long-term problem in itself is huge, but after seeing those pictures I began to think back over things and wonder how many other events, just like this I've forgotten.

Do I block things out?

And the things I do remember, do I distort them in my mind to suit what they mean to me?

And those questions lead to a bigger question, if the only things we have to take us back in time are memories, how can anything ever be historically accurate?

As my Dad always said "Perception is Reality" and wow, how right he is.

I perceive so many things as being learning experiences for me, that for the person or people involved might be horrible memories. They might remember it completely differently so there is no real record of the events or even of what really happened. It was after seeing those pictures from a trip I was on and can't remember that I realized just how personal history and the past really is.

I remember a lot of my life, or at least I think I do. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. The people I remember and the events I remember...they shaped me, make me the wife, mother, and person that I am today.

I know that I have enemies out there, better yet, I know I have people who dislike me based on something that happened or didn't happen and I may never know it. But the flip side to that is the folks out there who right now remember me fondly, even if I can't remember them.

I guess the thing about memories and the past is that they follow us. It's like these images haunt me...in dreams, in moments of deja vu, and in my scrapbooks. I know that as I get older, I might forget more things, but the things that do stick with me, I will hold on to as long as I can.

It's in looking at the past that I can see clearly what I need to do in the future to be who I want to be...and that's the end result.

scrapbooking season!

2009-05-16T13:53:00.002-04:00

So, I finally have free time!

It's amazing just how busy I have been at work, with Grad School, and my mommy duties! Finally, now that my Grad School commitment is over I feel like I can breathe again! I refer to the days ahead as scrapbooking season because finally I can use my time for my favorite hobby and maybe get caught up! lol...

Today is O's 7 month birthday as well. I am still in amazement that she is that old! It feels like yesterday that I found out I was going to have the small girl...and now she is starting to get teeth, eats baby food and is starting to develop quite a little inquisitive personality. I love that part the most. I hope that she is like me in that respect. I love to ask why and explore my surroundings, I hope she is like that as well.

waking up sober in a jail cell

2009-03-16T20:03:00.002-04:00

so i've never experienced this, and I hope I never do, but a gentleman driving down my street yesterday at approximately 3:45pm was fortunate enough to have that experience today.

i was sitting at my kitchen table, just paying our bills, when i heard the sound of metal scraping against the pavement. i of course jumped up and went to the front door. I looked out and saw a black SUV just sitting in front of my house. I went outside and ran into my neighbor, who was also out there because heard the commotion from his backyard, where he was cooking on his grill. We looked and had no idea what had happened, but from the sound of it, and the smoke, it appeared like he had possibly dropped his transmission on my street. I came back in and woke dave up from his nap. Both he and Olivia were taking a little nap. he went outside to see if the guy needed help, and came back in to tell me that he had infact HIT a fire hydrant and it appeared he had been drinking. Dave immediately picked up the phone to call the police and report the situation.

by now, several of my neighbors came out to see what was going on, including the guy who had the fire hydrant driven into the side of his parked car. I watched as all the neighbors came out and started calling the cops. The street was filled with people watching the driver of the black SUV sit in the street. He was clearly not sure what was going on and at one point he seemed to even try to drive away - but luckily he had two flat tires and a smashed hood so his car was totaled.

The arrived pretty quickly and gave the guy who was driving the black SUV a sobriety test...which he failed. He was cuffed, stuffed and driven away by 4:30pm.

I am glad this guy was caught. It was a beautiful day out and he hit a fire hydrant. Thank God that was all he hit. There are children who live on my street and it could very easily have been a child riding a bike or playing on the sidewalk. My street isn't a through way. It runs parallel to the main road and usually is travelled by residents and friends of residents. I think it's awful and foolish that people drink and drive. i am VERY much against it, so I hope when this clown who was driving that car woke up in jail today he realized just how dangerous he is..and how important it is that he NEVER drinks and drives again!

you know your a mommy when...

2009-03-13T18:36:00.002-04:00

You know your a mommy when...

1. it's 8:15pm, all the lights are out at your house...everyone is alseep, including you.

2. you go out to shop in old ratty sweats with unbrushed hair, while baby is all dressed up!

3. you praise DVR! you can catch up on your shows during the late night feedings.

4. even when you are dead tired, one little smile can wake you right up!

5. you should buy stock in Kodak due to the amount of pictures you now take.

6. everytime you go into Target, no matter what you need, you head to the children's department first, just in case there is a cute outfit on sale!

7. You wash more bottles than you do dishes.

8. you sing songs about pee-pee everyday to your child just because it makes them smile.

9. you don't sleep past 7am EVER!

10. you think about your pre-baby life, but wouldn't change a thing!

buttons and babies

2009-03-02T14:27:00.002-05:00

finally, nearly 4.5 months after baby O was born, i am able to button my pants again. fantastic isn't it - the small pleasures we take in life. buttoning my pants is such a small thing, but knowing that i can do it makes me happy.
i am only 2 lbs. away from my pre-baby O weight, which is a fairly amazing feat considering my effort to lose this weight has been minimal. I mean, i eat healthy, work out as much as I can and take care of myself, but it's not like i am a workout fanatic.
I am just glad that I am so close to being back to my normal self. Once the weather FINALLY gets nice I do actually plan on going out more often and enjoying the beautiful weather and going for walks with little O. That will be fun.

Due Date?

2009-02-14T12:06:00.002-05:00

Contrary to one person's completely inappropriate question, I am not expecting.

Recently I was asked by a colleague when I was due. Now, though I do realize that my once svelt mid-section has been stretched a bit, I do not think that I look pregnant, in fact; I am a mere 3 lbs away from my pre-baby weight. So to be asked rather bluntly "So, when is your baby due?" I was not only taken aback, but quite honestly, I was offended.

I responded with "Actually, my baby was due in October, she's 4 months old now." I tried to be cool and calm, which in turn I believe made this person feel even worse. Their face got a charming shade of crimson as they said in a rather embarrassed tone, "Oh, so you are a new mom?" Nice.

As an educator I try really hard to impart on my students the nuances of social cues and behavior, which for most of them are all ready hard to read, but I do believe that none of them would ask a woman when her child is due without a dramatic cue that they were in fact expecting.

All that being said, my baby is 4 months old. She just had her 4 month check up in fact and is currently weighing in at 15lbs 1oz. and is 26 inches tall. She smiles, laughs and coos. She can roll on her side and is working on leaning on her elbows when on her stomach. She enjoys being nude, likes to drink 6-7oz. of formula at each feeding, enjoys music videos and the Fox 25 News at 5am. She is starting to look more like me everyday and loves to look at the "baby" in the mirror.

Now, I am not expecting another small friend. Am I mad that someone thought I was? Not Really...I just hope it's a lesson to them to NOT ask that question unless you are 1oo% sure you are not going to ask a really inappropriate question.

My Story continues...in my new blog

2009-01-31T19:41:00.002-05:00

So after writing Chapter 1, I feel like I need to keep going, this means I've started a NEW blog just for my writing project.

http://mystoryiscommon.blogspot.com/ is the new spot for my book project that I'm working on. I figure this way I can keep my real thoughts...and my chapters project separate and continue working on it...I love writing my story. The chapters are easily the most important days/events in my life...the ones that i remember (and i have a horrid memory - thanks dad) anyway.

Over My Head - Chapter 1

2009-01-20T20:19:00.007-05:00

It was a hazy, hot, and humid day at the end of July. We were sitting in my car in the parking lot behind the building. We were headed to Dunkin Donuts' to pick up coffee for some of our co-workers. It was the first time, since I had started working there anyway, that I admitted to myself that maybe I was in over my head....and I don't mean professionally.

My job was great. It was the kind of job every college graduate dreams of. I was actually using my degree in the field I studied - Communications. I spent my days making sure commercials were in the station to be put on the air. I was working at the legendary WBCN in Boston. I was only 21 years old at that time and I knew this was the beginning of a fantastic future. I felt very gratified professionally and very capable of doing my job...it was personally, in my love life actually that I was starting to sink.

The sinking feeling in my heart didn't happen gradually, or at least looking back now, I don't think it did. If you had asked me how certain I was about my love life, up to that point, even a moment before I got in that car, I would have said with unwaivering certainty that I knew where I was headed. I knew that my life would always involve him. I would have bet money on it; until I got in that car.

"I love warm days like this," I stated. Clearly a little nervous, not sure what to say, or how to proceed. so I stated the obvious, who doesn't like warm days in Massachusetts?
"Me too," he replied. "Nothing like an ice coffee run on a hot summer day."
"Yeah," I agreed. "Glad we're on the list!" I said with a laugh. The list was a huge joke at work. The cool people were on the "list" meaning they'd get coffee when someone went on a run, and I was one of the people on the list. And today it was my turn to go get the coffees, and he had agreed to help me.

In the month I had been working at BCN I had met so many new people. I loved working and would spend a lot of hours there. The relationships I had with people seemed to grow and develop quickly. Part of that was because we worked hard, but when work was done we'd go out and get drinks or go to a concert. We were never just "co-workers," we all quickly became friends. And now, it was one of those friendships that was going to get me into trouble.

The truth was, I was engaged. I had a fiance who I loved, who I wanted to be with forever, or at least up until this moment I wanted to believe that we were meant to be together. But in that car, I felt attracted to someone else, and I finally admitted it to myself. I smiled, I flirted and most importantly, I did the one thing that it took years for me to admit to myself - I hid my ring.

It's true. I'm not proud of it, in fact, I think it is truly dispicable to HIDE your engagement ring by keeping your left hand out of sight...but it's true. I HID my hand. I kept it out of view as much as I could. Maybe I did that so that I would be able to keep the shreds of doubt from creeping up into the forefront of my mind, maybe I did it so that I could feel what it would be like to be 21 and available to possibility. I really am not 100% sure why I did it, but in hindesight I think I did it to be free. I think in the deepest regions of my heart I knew something wasn't right between my fiance and I. Not that my feelings in any way justify my actions. I shouldn't have hidden my ring, but I did.

Now, it's not like he didn't know I was engaged. I am sure he knew. I am pretty sure that all my new work friends knew that I had a fiance in New Jersey. I had never hidden that from anyone, but in my car that day he went along with it. He smiled and flirted and I smiled and flirted back. when we got back to the station we lingered in the car for a few moments. Just long enough for him to smile at me and my heart to flutter. I liked the attention he was giving me. I liked being the object of attention. And it was that attention that was going to lead me into trouble just a few months later.

In all honesty, nothing ever happened between he and I, on that day or any day. It was his attention that served as the catalyst for several of the great romances in my life. I see now that hiding my ring was admitting that I wanted more, more than my fiance was giving me at least. I got that more, but it was never from the guy in the car that warm summer day. I ended up getting so much more out of my life because of that day in the car. This event let to changes beyond my grasp. The events of the next few months would prove that.

oh sweet addiction

2009-01-10T21:28:00.004-05:00

it's true, i have joined the ranks of those addicted to the Twilight Saga. i had no desire to read the books initally, then one day, while at Target, i casually picked up a copy of the first book, Twilight and brought it home with the intention of getting to it at some point.
i put it on my bedside table and left it there, days went by and i hadn't even opened the cover. i'd been busy with life. i'm a new mom, a relatively new wife and i was preparing to go back to work so i didn't have much time to really dedicate to reading...then it happened...Olivia went to bed one night at 9pm.

i had a few moments to myself so i decided to treat myself to a book. i climbed into my bed picked up the book and thus began my addiction. the first night i read about 50 pages before going to sleep...from there, i was hooked. i read the first book in 2 days and immediately went out to buy the rest of the Saga. i needed to finish the books, I had to know what was going to happen to Bella and Edward, to Alice, Jacob, Charlie...it was like i was living it, like i was in their world.

there is something charming and romantic about a human girl falling in love with a vampire. perhaps it's the idea of wanting something so badly, so passionately that you are willing to risk anything and everything to get it. the idea of finding a love that is so perfect, so overwhelming and so dangerous is appealing to anyone who has ever been in love or wants to be in love.

it's been a long time since i've been so wrapped up in a fictional story. the last time this happened was in 2003 in San Jose. I was reading a book of short stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald and one story stuck with me for weeks. i was impressed with the plot and it really had an effect on me. That story - "Curious Case of Benjamin Button".

Clearly I have very good taste in fiction!

new year's resolutions

2009-01-02T10:43:00.002-05:00

i don't like to make resolutions, mostly cause i never keep them. i try and for the first few months of the year i am a champion...but then it quickly falls off...and i'm back to my old ways...so, here they are - in no particular order - my list of resolutions for 2009...

1. send out birthday cards/gifts to people I care about
2. stop biting my nails
3. continue to learn how to be a good mom and wife
4. run a 3k with my sister and cousins in March

we'll see how i do with them!

windy day

2008-12-31T06:56:00.002-05:00

yesterday it was ridiculously windy. so windy in fact that we had a wind advisory...with gusts up to 50 mph. it was the kind of strong wind that you could lean into and still be standing up. normally windy days don't bother me, in fact sometimes they can be fun, but this wasn't that kind of fun wind. it was cold, strong, and really just not convenient based on my plans. how dare the weather not cooperate with me right? lol.

baby O and i had to go to City Hall in Boston to pick up a copy of her birth certificate so we headed out in the windy weather. we got to City Hall Plaza and she was nearly blown over in her carriage. fortunately i was able to grab her and get to safety without her falling over and getting hurt.

now the dumb part, i could have avoided the entire windy ordeal had i realized there was a back entrance to City Hall!! I was on Congress Street (the backside of the building) and thought to get in I had to go up around the building which is where the wind cyclone was!! i ended up going back down and in the back door (can we just note how silly i felt at that point!) which was much easier. but man, did i feel like a fool...and the funniest part of the whole thing - olivia slept through the whole ordeal. clearly she really is like her dad - he sleeps through all sorts of stuff!!

christmas time was here...

2008-12-27T14:23:00.002-05:00

so it's over, the holidays are over. most of my friends are posting on facebook that they are taking down their christmas trees and putting decorations away today. sad. we didn't even put up a tree, but the holidays do go by way to fast for my liking! i love the holidays. i love the food, time spent with family and friends and the joy of the fact that we are about to embark on a new year full of new and exciting things!

Dave is not that big of a fan of christmas, mostly because of the way people materialize it and worry more about gifts than what the real meaning of the holiday is. which is funny since he is not a very religious man, but i can see his point. i look at the giving of gifts as a way to celebrate what Jesus gave us by being born and dying and all that stuff inbetween. I was raised Catholic and though I may not go to Church on a regular basis (story for another entry there...) I still believe in God and organized religion and the meaning of Christmas as well.

Now that it's over and we are gearing up for the new year, i am looking forward to all the fun exciting things that 2009 are going to bring - new experiences with Olivia, going back to work and grad school, learning how to be a better mom, wife, and daughter, celebrating weddings, babies, and birthdays with friends and family, finally taking our LONG overdue honeymoon, and even a trip to see our family in Nebraska.

So many gifts to be thankful for and look forward too - Merry Christmas!

bah humbug

2008-12-17T15:51:00.002-05:00

i didn't put up a christmas tree this year. i decided that it'd be too much work for me. since i am home all day with Olivia i'd have to be the one to put it up and take it down and i just didn't want to deal with it. i also don't want pine needles all over the place. i am not in the mood to have to clean them up. next year we'll get a tree...this year i'm just not that into it.

if i want a dose of christmas cheer i go to my parents house. they have enough christmas decorations for everyone. their house looks beautiful, inside and out.

i am hanging up all the nice Christmas cards we've gotten though - i'm not a total scrooge.

why i do what i do

2008-12-16T13:58:00.003-05:00

last week Olivia and I went to the new Target in Stoughton. It's awesome quite honestly. It's so nice and big and clean. We had to get a few last minute Christmas gifts and it's always good to get out of the house so I bundled the little baby bug up and we headed out.

She was a doll at the store, she was awake for a big part of the trip, and fell asleep right as we were about to check out of the store so I decided I'd treat myself to an Eggnog Latte at the in-store Starbucks. I headed over to the counter and got in line. While in the line I noticed that there was only one employee taking orders and making drinks. I felt bad for him, how awful to be alone at the busy Starbucks counter as there were two people in line in front of me and about 3 behind me at this point. Despite the volume of customers, he seemed to be holding his own.

While there I noticed the manager of Target walk over and start looking around the cafe area. I thought maybe they had a shoplifter or something so of course I'm intrigued. I've been a stay at home mom now for nearly 3 months...I am clearly entertained very easily.

So I watched what was going on and realized what the manager had come over to see and I was shocked and almost upset. There was no shoplifter. There was a group of men, approximately in their late 40's/early 50's who were drinking coffee at some tables in the corner and they clearly were mentally handicapped. The man in line in front of me was also part of their group. It was when he turned around to ask me what time it was that I realized it. He got up to the counter and asked for a frozen drink that Starbucks didn't make, but he could get around the corner at the Pizza Hut, so his group leader came and got him and brought him to the correct counter. It was after he went around the corner that the Target Manager came over and told the Starbucks employee that everything was fine and if he has any further problems to talk to the group leader.

Clearly there must have been some sort of incident, but it reminded me why I left radio. I wanted to do something more than just give out prizes and plan events. I wanted to be part of something bigger than that. I will always love music and believe in the power of a good show, but to know that I'm working to help create meaningful lives for people who maybe can't make them for themselves really makes me feel good. Some of these men that I saw at the Starbucks could be students of mine someday and I hope that they are always treated well and given opportunities to do things just like everyone else without ridicule or judgement.

some of my goals

2008-12-06T03:44:00.005-05:00

since being blessed with baby O, i haven't had much time to really think about things...well i have had time to think, but mostly about my life with her and how i got to this point in my existence.

but lately i am thinking more about me and things I still want to do for myself (disclaimer - is doing ANYTHING for yourself even possible with a child?).

I'd still like to at some point in the next 20 years travel to Ireland, Scotland and Italy. My brother Mike and I would always talk about how we wished we could move to Ireland and just work in a pub somewhere. I can't really explain why we had that dream, but we did. I think we both just feel a strong pull there due to the fact that we have family there and for me I just think as Americans we sometimes just put the emphasis on the WRONG things and from what I've seen of the Irish people (do movies and books count?) they seem to have their priorities more in line than we do on certain issues. I figure if Dave and I really wanted to go we could take Olivia when she's like 15...because the Irish don't mind their teenagers joining them for a pint...

I'd like to get more fashionable clothing that fits and is better quality. Perhaps that stems from my obsession with TLC"s What NOT to Wear. I love the clothes they put people in and I am really interested in stepping up my look this winter. I got a wonderful winter coat from my mom and dad for Christmas all ready so that's a step in the right direction, but I will need to start looking for nicer pieces that actually fit me. I have a semi high profile job now being that I am the person who actually had to meet with families and state agencies on a regular basis so I think that I should look more polished and put together. Currently I feel like that frazzled mom you see with smudged eyeliner and raggedy clothes - I so need to work on that.

I would like to finish my Master's by May 2010 and then begin my next Master's the following semester. I really enjoy Grad school and I am loving learning about Special Education. It's bizarre to me how I changed my life so drastically (radio to education is a HUGE change, but it is worth it. I really enjoy what I do and this path allows me to help people, grow as a person, and have my summers and school vacations off to spend with Olivia.) When she is a teenager she won't like that i'm home all the time...though I will be good for rides I guess, until she gets her license anyway.

I really want to get back to my scrapbooking...i am so far behind...I'm still in May 2007!! I hope to get caught up someday, but from what I'm told I shouldn't hold my breathe on that now that the baby O is here.

I'd like to buy a house in 2010...not sure where yet...but I really want to own something...and I want to give Olivia a place that she can paint and decorate and feel like it's HER home, not just an apartment that we rent. We grew up in a variety of apartments until I was nearly 13 and honestly it was fine...but I loved that as a teenager I had my own room. It was so nice. I hope to give her the same thing.

My goals are so simple...kinda boring honestly but they are still mine and I hope to reach them someday.

some honest perspective

2008-11-30T21:19:00.003-05:00

Olivia just turned 6 weeks old on Thanksgiving. I am amazed at how quickly these 6 weeks have passed. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was sitting on my couch, calling my friend Kerrie to ask her what being in labor felt like because I thought it was starting...and now here I am 6 weeks later with a small lady sleeping in her swing next to me while I type this, pay bills and try to register for Grad Classes - all before she wakes up and wants to visit with me!

I fondly remember and sometimes long for the days when Dave and I were a duo. Days when things were far less complicated. We were able to go out to eat on a Saturday night and not have to worry if the restaurant had a wait, we could sleep in on Sunday then have a lazy breakfast, we could go anywhere we wanted - anytime we wanted really - an impromptu dinner, a visit to a friend's house, or even a drive down the Cape just for fun - it was a different time in our lives.

Now just to leave the house we need to pack diapers, wipes, blankets, hats, toys..etc. It's amazing to me how my small person needs just to go to my parents house for the afternoon!! I suppose that is because at any minute she could pee, poop or puke (the 3 P's!) while I've mastered those skills all ready and don't need the extra change of clothes.

Truthfully though I do long for the simple times, I couldn't imagine our lives without her. She's just learning how to smile, she's cooing and talking a bit more and she even seems to be trying to hold her head up sometimes (ok so it's floppy most of the time...but she's trying!) It's exciting and really cool to watch her develop and see how she's going to grow up. I feel lucky that I had her at 30 versus my early or middle 20's though. It's easier to enjoy her since I have all ready done most of the things I want to do...I am ok if I can't go out to a bar on the weekend since I've done it, I don't need to go out to eat all the time, and I am not worried about what all my friends are doing since most of them are doing what I'm doing - changing diapers, kissing chubby cheeks and feeding little ones. I don't worry about my single ones either - I've done what they are doing and now have moved on. It's that honest perspective that allows me to be ok with unwashed hair, baby spit up and dirty sweatpants - it's that honest perspective that lets me know that these days will soon be a fond and distant memory that I'll long for.

Olivia and Friends...

2008-11-25T19:42:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

i'm a SLAVE for you...

2008-11-18T11:24:00.003-05:00

I am a slave...a slave to a little 10lb. person with blue eyes, a button nose and a little brown hair.

She cries - I answer, meaning I come running with a bottle, a clean diaper or just a little cuddle.
She has no concept of day or night so it's a 24 hour a day assignment with a little bit of time for blogging, showering, eating and talking to my husband who I see briefly each night.

Despite my exhaustion and sometimes massive frustration I love her and will do anything necessary to make her life a bit more comfortable.

For the next 40 to 50 years (or longer I hope) Olivia and I will be on this planet together and in one way or another she will always need something from me, so I guess it makes sense that we start now with our symbiotic slave relationship. I will be providing her with the basics to sustain life and ultimately i hope I'm able to provide her with so much more - advice when she gets into her first argument with a friend, keys to the car when she goes for her first solo ride, money to get a prom dress, an ear to talk to when she meets - dates - and dumps her first love, and anything else along the way she needs.

There are moments where she looks at me and I realize the amazing responsibility this slavery comes with, and there are moments when she is screaming crying and I can't console her that I want to open that bottle of wine Auntie Helene brought me. This slavery is a HUGE responsibility that I don't think anyone should take lightly. These little slave drivers don't come with any sort of instructions and frankly I'm amazed that I was allowed to just take her out of the hospital. Ultimately it's ok though because they will TELL you what they want - they just scream until they get it!

My first NIGHT OUT!!

2008-11-17T11:42:00.002-05:00

Chris, me and Danielle at their weddding - November 8th

My brother Mike, me and my sister Beth at the wedding!

Dave and I at the wedding - sans Olivia!

So finally, after about a month Dave and I had a night out at my cousin Danielle's wedding! She was married on November 8th to an awesome guy who I totally love - Chris Angelillo. It's so great to see her so happy!!

Livy stayed with her GiGi (my Grammy) for a few hours (from about 5pm - 1030pm) so that Dave and I could attend the wedding and part of the reception...it was nice to be out for a few hours with other adults. I had a great time and it was nice to actually wear something other than hospital pants and a tank top.

a simple twist of fate

2008-11-06T14:48:00.004-05:00

3 weeks have passed and it feels like a lifetime. so much has changed in 3 weeks, it's amazing how different i've become. To quote a Jewel song "I feel so far from where I've been"

I seriously am just amazed at how far I've come as a person, not just as a parent, but as a woman. I was so different just a year ago at this time. It's amazing how different I am and how much things change.

I always knew I'd move back to MA from CA. It was a given. I knew that though I LOVED CA I would never marry someone out there and have a family. I couldn't have a child and live 3,000 miles away from my family. It just wasn't an option for me. I think that's part of the reason I couldn't settle down with anyone, even though I wanted to. There are men in CA who will ALWAYS have a piece of my heart, even though our relationships were doomed to fail. Without their failures I would not be where I am now. I wouldn't be married to Dave and we wouldn't have Olivia.

Dave and I met just 10 days after I moved home from CA. If you look at his life line and my life line, there are many instances in the early 2000's where we were running parallel. We knew a lot of the same people, perhaps were even at the same bar or party, and were hanging around the same town but we never met. I truly believe that we were meant to meet when we did and had we met any earlier our relationship would have been doomed. We wouldn't have worked out earlier and Olivia wouldn't have come into existence.

As for me, I certainly am an entirely different person now than I was years ago, I am even different than I was 3 weeks ago -

I constantly have my hair up in a messy pony tail and no make up
I wear the same pants day after day
I smell like the sweet aroma of breastmilk and baby wipes
I go to bed at 8pm so that I can be up several times during the night with my daughter so Dave can sleep
I love napping now more than I did in college
I can now change tv channels, feed the baby and eat a sandwich at the same time

It's amazing how much your life changes when you have a baby - how much you are willing to do for another little life...the big thing for me is going to be NOT losing too much of myself during the process. I want Olivia to always see the importance of being yourself regardless of where your life takes you and part of that means I need to lead by example. I need to show her it's ok to be impulsive, passionate and dedicated to the things that mean the most to her. AND the big thing is that it's important to follow your destiny so that you can find your fate. My destiny brought me to CA and back just so I could be here now. She is my fate I guess, or at least part of my fate. I am a lucky woman. I've done a lot of wonderful things in my life and I wish all the same for her.

olivia hanging at home!

2008-11-01T18:59:00.002-04:00

home resting

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

I LOVE to sleep!

Cousin Erin came to see me!

the head nod...

2008-11-01T18:47:00.003-04:00

last night at about 2 am i was standing at my kitchen sink. while standing there warming a bottle and cleaning out some of my milk containers from the fridge i realized that Dave and I are now members of an exclusive club - a club that only parents belong to.

who else would get up in the middle of the night, warm a bottle and be thankful to get 3 hours of sleep at a time! it's funny because just 2 weeks ago i had no idea what we were getting into, and now i see that we really do have a great thing here. granted she keeps us busy and tired...but the look on her little face when she has a clean diaper and a full belly...is truly priceless.

now when i pass other parents on the street i will give them the head nod, that "hey, what's up" look because we are members of the club.

Olivia Jayne at HOME!

2008-10-27T11:25:00.003-04:00

Resting with mommy!

Playing with Daddy!

Cousin Liz came to visit me!

Cousin Stephanie came to visit me too!

It's been so nice recovering at home and Olivia has been so fortunate to have so many family members and friends stopping by to see her! She loves the attention and is totally enjoying hanging out with all the new people she is meeting.

My parents are totally in love with her and LOVE spending time with her. I think it's so nice that they get to spend a lot of time with her. I grew up very close with my grandparents and I want the same for Olivia.

Dave's dad and his step-mom Deanne are visiting this week too. They got here last night from Nebraska and will be staying through Friday morning. I am really glad that they were able to come here and see Olivia. It's hard because Dave's family is far enough away that it's not like they can come over to see her whenever they want. They are going to be here every morning this week to spend time with her and they will come back at night to spend more time with Dave and I as well as Olivia.

I am going to do my best to make sure that Olivia knows her family in Nebraska and Texas. I don't want her just knowing my relatives because they live closer to her than Dave's family does. She has a huge family full of relatives ALL over the country and it's important that she knows and is in contact with them as she gets older. She even has a cousin coming in late November/early December in Nebraska so when we do visit she'll have another kid to play with.

Parenting is scary, stressful and really overwhelming, but I am doing my best to make sure she feels comfortable, loved and is always surrounded by family and friends.

late night bottles

2008-10-24T21:34:00.003-04:00

dave is the best. he gets up with olivia every night. he doesn't want me to get out of bed because i'm working on recovering from a pretty rough c-section and i have a hard time moving around. it takes me 20 minutes to get into our bed (we have high mattresses) and he feels bad for me. i waddle, my lower half is still swollen and i can only sleep on my back!!

but i also think he LOVES taking care of her. he is adorable with her honestly. he is so loving and caring and even in the middle of the night he talks so sweetly to her - it's really cute!

so at least for now he's giving me the chance to recoup...once i'm better i do think that i'll let him get a lot more sleep! :-) and i'll take the late night duties over...but for now, i'm just going to enjoy that i'm married to a wonderful man who has become a caring, loving father!

this was NOT in the brochure!

2008-10-22T21:21:00.004-04:00

so when i got pregnant i had no idea what to expect...with any of it...i didn't know how it would effect me emotionally, physically or mentally and I certainly didn't know what to do once I got through the actual pregnancy and had a baby to care for, but i always knew i'd get through it and feel my way - ask friends and family for advice and guidance and that all would be ok.

i am a worrier by nature so i purposely don't over research pregnancy related things. i never researched the actual recovery time for labor and delivery or a c-section, because frankly i would have worried. though now that i'm recovering from an emergency c-section, i wish i had somewhat known what i was getting into.

it's been nearly a week since she was "evicted" and i'm still swollen up from the waist down...my feet, legs, stomach (i'm actually now retaining water on my sides as well - Dave said it looks like i'm a fat man who lost a lot of weight the way my skin literally hangs over itself) and little lady are still pretty big....though my mom today said she thought they were going down a bit...my arms and hands are not nearly as bad as they were but i can still feel a slight swelling to them.

i have consulted with some c-section ladies and they all assure me this is normal as did my midwife at the hospital, but still it sucks. I can see why they don't tell you about THIS in school...the toll having a child has taken on my body is awful. i am told that once i drink a lot of water and my body processes all the stored fluids that i'll pee or sweat it out...but seriously i am tired of being so bloated...i walk like i'm heading into the O.K. Corral for the showdown at high noon!

the other part of this experience that is awful is my random crying jags. i'm clearly so hormonal that my eyes are like water works two or three times a day for no real reason. it's ridiculous. i actually cried leaving the hospital yesterday!! i am a wreck sometimes.

sleeping is even a challenge...i am so swollen that i can barely get into bed (i've never been sad that we have a nice high mattress until now) and when i do get into bed my sleeping position is on my back sort of sitting up. it is uncomfortable and really just stinks.

but i know that as my grammy learned from g.g. (her mom), "this to shall pass"

now through all of this, i am so glad that i have her - she's an adorable little thing and a really good baby so i don't regret that she's now THE center of my and Dave's lives.

Photos of Olivia Jayne

2008-10-20T16:17:00.002-04:00

Olivia with G.G. *Great Grandma

Olivia under the warmer

Daddy and Olivia (She has him wrapped!)

Nana (my mom) and Olivia just after she was born!

Our first face to face meeting!

Announcing the one and only Olivia Jayne Garcia!

2008-10-20T15:06:00.003-04:00

It's been a few days since she's entered the world and all ready my life has been turned upside down...in a good way of course. Dave is an amazing father...as I write this he is sitting on the chair in my hospital room just cuddling with his little girl. They both seem to enjoy napping a lot! It's very charming and makes me so happy to see our little family forming all ready!

As for me...the road to recovery from my emergency c-section is going to be a LONG one. The story of little Olivia's birth is rather involved and complex. It was certainly as eventful as this pregnancy has been if not more eventful, which cleary is expected because nothing that little Olivia and I went through was typical or normal by any stretch.

The day I went into labor (Wednesday 10.15.08), I woke up around 7am and felt different, i just thought maybe that would be THE DAY! So, I went about my business - I had breakfast and lunch, watched TV and just waited it out.

As the day went on, my stomach was hard like a rock and my back was crampy so i called my OB's office. They had me come in and do a labor check at approximately 2:30pm. Luckily Dave was done with work that day and was able to come with me!! One of the midwives there said she was convinced I was in early labor and even questioned if I had a slow leak of amniotic fluid!! They did a bunch of tests that were coming back inconclusive so they weren't totally sure about the leaking. I just knew I was getting a lot wetter than usual. The possibility alone that I was leaking gave me a ticket to Labor and Delivery (L&D). They still wanted to check the baby, so they hooked me up to the NST machine and I was contracting every 5 mins....off to L&D I go!!

Dave and I got to L&D at about 5:30pm. When we got there they set me up in triage and checked my vitals, etc. After an internal exam it was determined I was 3cm and 100% and they went about trying to figure out if my water broke or not - which ultimately it was determined that it was slowly leaking so I wasn't' going home to "wait it out" i was going to have this baby!!

**Now, it's important for me to interject here that I may have been a little short with one of the midwives. She came in and said that she wasn't sure if I was leaking and I was only in early labor...at that point, I flashed with fear...I thought she was considering sending me home to wait it out and see if my water broke...and yeah, I was not going to be having that...clearly that was NOT going to be an option. According to my mom, who had met us there in triage, I actually sat up and with daggers in my eyes said to the woman "I AM 40 WEEKS AND 5 DAYS ALONG. I AM IN LABOR. I AM NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT A BABY." Obviously she was shocked and left the room...when she came back...she was nicer, and I was admitted!!

by 8pm we were up in our Labor and Delivery Room. and by 8:15pm my mucos plug fell all the way out and by 8:30pm I was gushing the remainder of my water - which was a mess and all over the floor of the room. It just kept coming too, which truthfully was amazing to me...I had NO clue it just kept coming out like that...amazing stuff!

Around 10:45pm I got my epi...which was a god send considering what was about to come. I ended up laboring all night with some progress but not too much. By 7am I was only 6cm and by 11am I was up to about 8cm (this is with Pitocin as well).

Now is when it gets complicated - I had a been flirthing with a fever from about 11pm on...so clearly I had some sort of infection. And by 6am I had a full blown 101.3 fever going. I was hot, full of drugs and really uncomfortable. (Though I couldn't feel any of the contractions thanks to the wonderful people in the anestesia department!!) At this point, my midwife team turned me over the OB on call and he came in. With a fever of nearly 102 it was time for decisions to be made. By 11:30am I had signed my consent for a c-section and by 12:00pm I was under the knife.

After about an hour the doctor delivered Olivia with some complications. I lost a lot of blood, my uterus had to be cut the long way to get her out due to her immense size, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't talk and threw up during my c-section as well. It was bad. Dave said he thought I was going to die. I never thought that but I didn't see it from HIS point of view. They had me all closed up and wheeled back in the room by 2pm though. At that point I was in and out of consciousness and wasnt doing well. The other downside of the c-section is that I have essentially two different incisions. Outside i'm cut horizontally, but inside I'm cute vertically. Because of the way my uterus had to be cut I can never have a Vaginal Birth. IF I ever chose to do this again, it would have to be a c-section!

After getting back to my L&D room, I was still very feverish, exhausted and really just needed rest. Both Olivia and I continued antibiotics for 48 hours and our fevers went away. My fever broke on Saturday morning and Olivia's broke about 7 hours after she was born.

Over the weekend I was given 2 pints of blood because of my Hematocrit levels (Essentially this means I'm really anemic right now). The average woman's levels should be about 35-38% for women. Prior to my c-section I was at 30%. My levels post c-section were 17%, with one blood transfusion we were back to about 19%, with two blood transfusions we were at 22% and now as I type this I am getting my 3rd blood transfusion. Obviously I didn't want another transfusion but with my levels still SO LOW we had to do something to ensure that I was going to be able to go home and not fall over because I'm anemic. I will also be taking a lot of iron once I get home as well to help get my body back to normal.

Another joyous side effect of my exciting c-section experience is the fact that I actually have what is known as pitted adema. This means you can make indents on my feet and legs that will stay there for at least a minute. it's horrific and my legs and knees look huge!! For this condition they are going to give me a diuretic to help flush out the water tonight as well. I am having trouble walking/standing and moving. I get short of breath pretty easily because I'm so swollen and it's rough...let's not even talk about the amount of swelling I have in my little lady area (she looks like a hot dog bun!) and I didn't even PUSH!

Anyway, the long and short of it is this. Olivia is awesome, I love her so much. Though I don't intend to EVER do this again for another little person, I know that I would go through all this again for her. She's amazing, precious, and really just starting to turn into her beautiful little self. I LOVE being around her and knowing that we have an incredible journey ahead as mother and daughter. Granted, she did make me wait until AFTER I turned 30 to have her...I won't hold it against her!! :-)

what really IS a labor pain anyway?

2008-10-10T21:11:00.003-04:00

So it's nearly the end of my due date and alas, no little baby to show for it. I hear that most mom's are late with their first babies anyway so I'm not too upset about it...if anything I'm just anxious to get through the pain - the physical pain that is, and see this semi small bundle of joy (can an estimated 8lbs. 11ozs. be considered small - not by my tally!).

I don't know that I'll really understand the emotional pain of being a parent until my little bundle of joy is yelling "NO" at me in a public venue, has thrown something of value down the toilet and flushed it, or is caught doing something unsavory in a public venue during his or her inevitable teenage rebellion.

since i'm so excited to know that labor has started and that we're about to have a baby, every pain i get could be "the one" that will send dave and I scampering off to Brigham & Women's to deliver. and so far, every pain i've gotten has been a let down and we remain at home...just contemplating when the main event will begin.

about a 1/2 hour ago i begain to have having horrible lower back pain, my stomach felt tight and i was wondering "could this be it?" it wasn't coming and going like a contraction would...but it was kinda intense and was like nothing i've felt...

i looked over to dave, he caught my gaze as i said "if it's like this in 15 minutes i'll call." The pain was serious and besides, wouldn't it make sense for me to start labor during game 1 of the ALCS series between Boston and Tampa Bay?

so i got up and went to use the bathroom - turns out i just had a really painful urge to poop. i'm guessing it's because the baby is pushing on my intestines and it caused some intense intestional pains.

needless to say dave was highly disappointed when i came out of the bathroom and it's back to the hurry up and wait game.

right now, in my stomach...baby G mocks us with a smile!

why yes, i am still pregnant...

2008-10-10T11:06:00.002-04:00

sadly i'm over it. i'm over talking about it, i'm over answering questions about it...i think i honestly might just stop answering my phone.

i realize that people are calling me to ask if i've "had the baby yet?" or if there is "any news?" because they care and they want to share in the special event...but trust me, when it happens Dave will call you. He knows who he needs to call and people will be informed. i appreciate the love and support, but it is just getting tiring to talk about something that i've been told could happen "any day now" since August 27th. i am frustrated. i was forced to take a month off of work, rest and just wait for something that still didn't happen yet.

i realize today is my due date...but that sadly means jack crap. i could have a baby soon, i might not have a baby soon...it's hard to say. the baby birthing process is still a mystery in some ways. my OB/midwife team can't predict the exact DAY and TIME i'll go into labor...if only they could...they'd be rich and i'd feel a lot saner. but i digress...

the point remains i'm still pregnant. and yes, today is my due date. don't call me, i'll call you!

whew....ok done ranting now. :-) i feel much better.

best laid plans

2008-10-08T10:16:00.002-04:00

so i just got a call from my OB's office. tomorrow's induction has been cancelled.

apparently i've been bumped from the schedule so rather than going to my induction i am to go to my regularly scheduled appointment with my midwife.

i knew the whole time that there was a possibility that i might not get induced so it's ok. i'll be fine. just means now i get to wait longer to meet baby G!

oh well, even the best laid plans can be broken...now if only i'd just spontaneously GO INTO LABOR...i've tried to talk baby G into it...but he or she doesn't seem to want to do that just yet...

to push or not to push...

2008-10-08T09:21:00.003-04:00

now, i realize i've never given birth before...but after watching a baby story on TLC i figure it must hurt worse than any pain i've ever experienced in my life.

these women on the show really scream and yell and freak out. i mean, i KNOW it's going to hurt...that part of my body is far from prepared to push a small person out of it, but maybe i should have thought of that before i decided that having a baby was a good idea

the funniest thing they all do is act like they don't want to push...well, the baby is going to come out, it needs to come out, and YOU need to push it out...so in my opinion you just need to push.

i am going to try my hardest to just do what needs to be done and not complain while i'm doing it. there will be NO point in me saying "i don't want to do this" because at the point of pushing whether or not i want to push is not an option...it's going to be a necessity. and not pushing is going to cause more problems than just pushing and doing what i'm told to do.

the past nearly 10 months have led up to the moments of the next 24 - 48 hours. i'm going to do my best to be a good patient and wife and a strong woman during this time and do what i can to bring baby G into the world with the least stress possible!

we'll see how it goes!!

ready...set...induce

2008-10-06T14:21:00.003-04:00

today my midwife called...due to the size of the baby it's been decided that i must be induced.

so at this point i will be induced on Thursday, October 9th. i was given instructions to call the hospital at 6:30am on Thursday and the plan is that providing they've had no emergencies that would bump me, I'd head in at 7am to be set up for an induction.

now, this doesn't mean that i couldn't go into labor before then and knowing me and my life it wouldn't surprise me if i went into labor before my induction date...but as of right now, that's the plan.

funny how this kid tried to get out at the end of August and now it's being evicted!

now only TIME will tell!

maternity clothes are too small!!!

2008-10-04T20:17:00.005-04:00

(above) tonight - 39 weeks 1 day - in my living room!

at this point i have one pair of maternity jeans that fit...just one. so it sort of limits what i can wear. i have maybe 3 shirts that cover my belly...the rest are all too short to actually fit me correctly and i look foolish. therefore i am spending most of my time in pajama pants and long sleeve t-shirts...or Dave's sweatshirts...they fit me...that's really all i have left at this point. it's funny how BIG i am. thank goodness i don't have to work, i'd be in trouble trying to find anything to fit me! maybe baby g really is going to be a big baby!

Dave's Aunt Bridget emailed me today and said both of her kids were over 9lbs. maybe Dave's side of the family just has big babies...and I KNOW that my cousin Erin was a big baby too...so oh well...it's possible that the Baby G is going to be a mammoth child...the size of a small butterball turkey.

either way i am definitely feeling DONE with pregnancy. my back hurts a bit, my ankles are always swollen now, i'm tired a lot, and i'm always peeing! oh the joy. i can always feel the baby moving and i try to encourage him or her to come out, but it seems like it's just not time. and on top of being so pregnant, i now have a cold. awesome. so i'm full of snots and i have become a mouth breather while i sleep! always sexy.

your baby is bigger than my baby...or is it?

2008-10-03T14:22:00.003-04:00

so today was my 39 week appointment and here i am...home again....doing what us pregnant gals do best...hurry up and wait as they say!

my appointment today was eventful though. first i had my ultrasound - this was done to try to see how big he or she might be...now keep in mind there is a 20% margin of error in the calculations...this means the baby could be 20% smaller or bigger than the actual measurement they got. and the measurement they got was 8lbs. 11 ounces.

After hearing that gigantic number i did the math - based on the 20% window on either side, that makes baby G somewhere between 7lbs and 10lbs 4 ounces. REALLY? to be honest i am NOT putting much stock in that. i know he or she is big...i can feel that, but nearly 9 lbs? seriously? that's so not right...if it turns out he or she is that big i would be shocked!

after the ultrasound i had my exam - 2 cm dilated, 100% effaced with a paper thin cervix and my midwife decided to strip my membranes to see if that might get things jump started...so...what does that mean exactly - it means that during my regular exam she seperated the amniotic sac from the wall of my uterus. this caused my body to release hormones called prostaglandins which help my cervix prepare for labor...now in some women this will cause labor within 24 - 48 hours...in others - nothing.

and after that i went and did a NST, which is a test where they monitor my contractions and the baby's movement...he or she was moving and i was contracting...but not enough to actually do anything. so she sent me home.

the only new instruction i got was to not just sit at home if my contractions are 8 mins apart. if i feel them getting stronger to call. i've had so much false labor that i don't even bother to call since the contractions haven't been close enough or in my mind even worth calling about, but now that i'm only 7 days out she doesn't want to mess around...it would not be good for anyone if i had this baby at home because i was stubborn or didn't think they hurt enough to go to the hospital. i have always had a really good tolerance for pain so i think she is worried that i will wait too long.

well, it's off to wait some more...hopefully this baby will come soon! if it gets any bigger it's will be taller than me! hehehe

the night shift

2008-10-01T13:08:00.003-04:00

i have to say that nighttime is the worst time for me as a pregnant woman. i seem to be unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and there are some nights where i am just sitting up awake in my bed...sleep eluding me.

last night for instance, dave and i went to bed at 10:00pm. i was up at 12:00am, 1:45am - 3:00am, 4:30am, 5:19am and then again at 7:10am, 8:34am, and finally got up at 10:00am. Usually i don't sleep that late, but my body is just so tired at this point that i take any sleep i can get!

maybe it's the hormonal levels in my body keeping me up, maybe it's baby g kicking me in the ribs, but my friends who have kids tell me that it's just natures way of preparing me for the feedings and diaper changes and baby things i will be doing during all hours of the night..so i guess it makes sense, but wouldn't you think nature would want me to get extra sleep now so that i would be calm and rested when the little one is here? i refuse to get out of bed and get on the computer or watch tv because once i give in to getting up, then i've accepted it and insomnia wins...i can't let that happen just yet.

my new game...

2008-09-23T13:04:00.002-04:00

so since i've been on bed rest for a month, i've not really had a chance to get out much...but at my last appointment i was given the clearance to go do things...not be out and about like crazy, but i am allowed to go walking, to the store, etc.

at this point i'm close to my due date, and though my OB and midwife would like me to make it to 40 weeks if i was to go into labor now, the baby would be fine...so being on strict bed rest isn't 100% necessary though i do try to rest for a good portion of the day, just so that i can be sure i'm doing everything possible to help keep this little person safe and sound as long as i can.

anyway, my new game - so on Saturday evening, Dave and I went food shopping, while out at the store an older gentleman, probably about 70 asked me when i was due, and rather than just saying "October 10th" i just simply said "today". the look on his face was priceless. it was totally worth it. Dave even added "yeah, watch out, she could blow at any minute!"

so now i will definitely tell anyone who asks when i'm due "today" just to see their face...it's worth it since it amuses me and helps me pass the time until it's actually TIME to have this little one!

false starts??

2008-09-18T18:45:00.004-04:00

so today was my late 36/early 37 week appointment. it was good. we did a check and i'm still dilated to 1.5 cm and effaced close to 90%.

while i was at my doc's office 3 different ladies went into labor. one went off in an ambulance, one in a cab, and a third was waiting for her husband to come pick her up. so that just left me...and though i'm not "officially" in labor right now, i am definitely having a few contractions...though i've been having them all week so it's hard to say they'll actually become consistent and work into something real. it could just be false labor...who knows.

so my midwife sent me home...told me to track them and if they get organized to call...so that's what i'll do.

i will be 37 weeks tomorrow so at this point i'm considered to be "full term" so if i was to go into labor now, no one is going to stop me! which is exciting and incredibly scary at the same time.

it's wild to think this journey is coming to an end. i mean, being pregnant has been such an emotional, crazy ride. i can't imagine that at the most i've got 5 weeks left (meaning they LATEST i'd be able to go is 42 weeks before my midwife/ob would induce me) with baby G inside of me. It will be weird and exciting to have to share this person with Dave, my family, his family and all of our friends. Though trust me, i won't be sad to have him or her out and about...it'd be great to be able to actually see my feet again! lol!!

so we'll see how it goes...baby G will be here before we know it!

a shower for Baby G

2008-09-17T14:54:00.002-04:00

Dave and I are blessed. We had a wonderful shower for Baby G on Sunday, September 14th. My mom put together a wonderful afternoon at Rocco's Restaurant in Wilmington.

The food was so good and the company was even better. All the ladies in my family made it, plus a bunch of my friends from High School, College and beyond were there, plus a good friend of Dave's made it too!

We had food, cake and then opened gifts. We got such amazing gifts from our friends and family. We ended up with tons of clothes, toiletrees, toys, etc for this little one. I was just so amazed at all the generosity people had for our little one. We also got

My sister and my Grammy both helped out also. Beth was awesome and hung all these little baby clothes up on a clothesline above where we sat and she kept a log for me of who gave me what...and Grammy made the cutest boo-boo bunnies for favors and she also had wrappers for candy bars made that said "A Baby Shower for Baby G". I was so touched. I know she was busy with visitors and has things to do and she took all that time to make such wonderful things to help celebrate the arrival of the newest member of our family!

Now the hard part is going on...we still need to get a dresser and a crib (luckily i have my old bassinett so we're all set on that for now). Dave went out on Monday and bought a stroller/carseat combo at Target and he put a lot of the stuff together at this point so we're getting things together.

I hope to get a dresser this weekend so that i can make sure we're all set for that...and get more diapers, wipes, etc...i need to see what we have so far too. Hopefully I'll get released from bed rest soon so i can get this stuff done!! i don't want to be completely unprepared when baby G arrives!

Now I need to wash all the babies clothes and get them ready to be put away - granted

confessions of a couch jockey

2008-09-16T19:23:00.002-04:00

i've now officially been on bed rest for nearly 4 weeks. i think it's time i come clean and clear the air on what it is i actually do all day and the other silly things that bed rest has driven me to!

i confess to the following (in no particular order):

- i watch TNT everyday from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. every day. i watch Charmed, ER, Las Vegas, and Without A Trace in that order and i will pause live TV if i need to go to the bathroom or get up for anything...

- i play on the computer all day as well. i visit facebook and myspace plus check my hotmail a bunch of times, and I IM with my cousins or whoever else is online that i can bother.

- i only shower when Dave is here. i worry that if i shower when he's at work that i'll fall and no one will be able to help me. it'll be like those old ladies in the "i've fallen and i can't get up" commercials for that life alert thing.

- if i could, i would eat candy all day long...but since i don't want to be a pig, i only eat one piece a day if that. Dave bought it...not me!!!

- i get excited when i hear the mailman on the porch...means i get to go outside for 2 minutes and get the mail. truthfully that's pretty much the only contact i have with the outside world.

- there is a person in my neighborhood who plays the accordion every day around 11 a.m. i try to see if it's a man or woman but they have yet to reveal themselves to me.

- i eat probably 3 or 4 glasses of ice a day, meaning in the matter of a week i go through a 5 lb. bag of ice from shaws. i know the dentist is going to LOVE me when i go for a checkup this fall.

- i wear sweatpants and a tank top everyday...i don't even wear a bra most of the time...it's not like i have anyone to impress...but if someone was to be coming over, i'd at least put one on...and maybe some jeans...ok probably not with the jeans.

- today i woke up and questioned if it was Friday. i'm losing track of days...awesome.

- everytime i have a contraction (like i am right now) i hope that it's the start of labor and clearly up to this point it hasn't been.

- i've still got about 700 photos to go through from the wedding and though i have ALL DAY here to do it...i don't do it. it's just too overwhelming...and frankly boring...

- i eat a lot of fruit still - i have fruit salad for lunch and sometimes at dinner (at least i still have some healthy habits)

- not many people have come to visit me and it's ok with me. people work during the day and i'm here alone...if they came i'd need to wear a bra.

- getting off the couch for the baby shower (more on that in a later post) exhausted me and i slept extra. i think at this point my body is getting used to just sitting for long periods of time.

- i can't wait to call Dave when i go into actual labor and say "it's time." he asks me EVERY hour "is it time?" and sadly i always have to say no...but one of these days it will be a YES!

all by myself...

2008-09-13T23:51:00.005-04:00

this is the latest i've been up since my wedding night. usually by this time of evening i'm sleeping soundly in my bed, but right now i'm watching The Wedding Date on TBS and contemplating if i should eat more candy.

i have a really hard time going to bed when Dave isn't here. for whatever reason i don't sleep well when i am home alone. it's weird i know, but i just don't like it. maybe i've just become accustomed to having him here, maybe i'm a baby and can't sleep when i'm home alone, or maybe the truth is i just don't like being by myself at home. granted, i'm not really alone persay being that i have my landlord upstairs and our 3rd floor neighbor possibly home as well...the point is i just don't like being by myself and going to bed. i'll admit i'm such a girl when it comes to being home alone. and this is coming from a girl who lived ALONE in San Francisco!!

dave is out at his friend adam's bachelor party and will probably be out until 2 a.m...putting him back here between 2:30 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. i KNOW i won't be up that late, but it's going to be hard for me to go sleep in my bed without him being here.

tomorrow is our baby shower, so i definitely should get some sleep before then...we need to be in Wilmington around 1 p.m. if not earlier so i need to get my beauty sleep...i can't have bags under my eyes...gotta make sure i don't fall asleep as i'm opening the baby's gifts!

Any Day Now...

2008-09-11T17:46:00.003-04:00

yes, that's what my midwife says...ANY DAY NOW! i had my 35 week, 6 day appointment today and it turns out that she thinks that this little one is going to come sooner rather than later.

overall the appointment was great, my blood pressure is holding steady and low at 110/70 and though it was thought i was borderline Gestational Diabetes, it turns out i don't have it as seen in my glucose testing numbers.

while i was there my midwife also did an exam and it turns out i am 1.5 CM dialated and holding strong at 80% effaced. she said she could also feel the head, making this little one in position to join the world.

they also hooked me up for a Non-Stress Test or NST - the baby's heart rate and movement were great and where it should be at this point in my pregnancy and during the 20 mins i was on the machine i had a bunch of contractions. i can't feel them, but this means that my body is in process of rehersing for the main event.

as i was leaving she told me that i could go to my shower, providing i stay seated and don't try to do to anything - no lifting, getting up to get food - anything! she also said to make sure my bag is packed and in the car just in case i need to make a run to BWH...she really thinks i could go into labor at any point apparently!!

so bottom line is i am to stay on bed rest for now and keep my feet up and rest. no stress, no movement and just a lot of relaxing to make sure that i do my best to keep baby G cookin' as long as possible.

oh and as a special wonderful bonus...Dave showed up at my appointment! How exciting is that! I went alone and didn't think he'd make it...but he did...he's SUCH a great husband!

30 Days Out...

2008-09-10T14:26:00.004-04:00

today i'm officially 30 days out from my due date. i feel so close, but so far away.

since i've been on bed rest i've just been sitting here, waiting for something to happen...every little ache or pain or every time the baby moves i think "this might be it!" and then...nothing.

truthfully, bed rest has been boring at times, but it hasn't been THAT bad. one of the things everyone keeps telling me is to enjoy the time i have to rest because once baby G joins the world i am not going to have this time to myself, so i've been trying to just hang out and enjoy the fact that i am still just waiting for him or her to come.

i realize that once he or she does make a grand enterance into the world i'll be spending my time learning how to change diapers, bathe a baby, feed it, dress it, hold it, etc...it's a whole new world and a whole new life for Dave and i.

to be honest, i really don't think i am going to make it until October 10th. i have a very strong feeling that baby G will be coming within the next two weeks. I can tell he or she has dropped drastically and i often feel movement down in my pelvis area so i KNOW he or she is really low and i have pretty strong braxton-hicks contractions everyday.

it's only a matter of time now.

nap time

2008-09-06T18:05:00.004-04:00

saturday is dave's day. he loves to nap. he is in fact napping right now. the thing about naps for me is that i can't just take a nap. most naps are what - 1 maybe 2 hours total. i take a nap and i'm down for 3 to 5 hours. and when i do get up, i'm a mess. i'm groggy, tired and the rest of my day is useless.

i'm jealous of how well he can nap considering i am up every two hours all night long and don't sleep well anyway. i've just never been a very good napper...even in college when napping during the day is completely acceptable it was just NEVER my thing. maybe someday i'll get the hang of it...but i doubt it.

time to think...lots of it

2008-09-03T10:17:00.002-04:00

it's only officially like day 5 of bed rest and all ready i'm starting to go a bit stir crazy. there is not really much you can physically do when you are just sitting around on your couch.

according to the doctor's orders i am able to go to the bathroom and take showers, but that's about it. i was told to stay seated or lying as much as possible and not to do any housework, heavy lifting, etc. so really it's an exercise in patience. it's the hurry up and wait theory really. all i can do it wait for baby G to make his or her enterance into the world.

i've had time to think about things. think about being a parent and what that really means. those thoughts started really when i was at Brigham and Women's on the Mag on the L&D floor. i wasn't able to sleep very well so i heard a lot of what was going on. i heard the nurses talking about their late night lunches, people's IV's beeping as they ran out of meds and i even heard two new babies cry as they entered the world. that's when the thinking started....it's amazing what my body is about to do. honestly, when you really think about it i have been able to grow a person inside of my body and in a few days or weeks this person will join the world.

i realize that we as a race probably OVER analyze the process, being that cats, dogs and pretty much every other mammal gives birth without medical intervention, but hey...i still stand by my theory that if God didn't want me to use meds he wouldn't have created people who know how to make them! hehehe

anyway, in these last days of waiting for baby G the anticipation builds. i am excited, scared and really ready for my body back...it will be nice to lay on my stomach and maybe have a glass of wine now and again. i am also looking forward to wearing pants that button...hopefully in my same pre-baby size and the big thing, i want to go out to a sushi dinner featuring eel, tuna and sake plus there is really tasty sounding chocolate buffet at a hotel in Boston and i am looking forward to going to that as well.

i think being a parent will be fun, scary and probably pretty rewarding. i am sure there will be times i'll want to pull my hair out, but luckily dave and i have a lot of good support people. between my family, his family and our friends we have plenty of people to ask for advice and go to for support.

all i am hoping for now is a healthy baby and a very medicated delivery that goes quickly. oh, and i'd like baby G to wait until AFTER we have our baby shower to join us...but i think that decision is out of my hands!

the waiting game...and events leading up to it

2008-09-01T12:28:00.004-04:00

the past week has been a pretty turbulent one to say the least. it all started on Wednesday, August 27th. it was our 2nd professional development day for CRLS, which means we had a variety of teacher meetings to attend and our first meeting was for all special educators, social workers, psychologists, etc at an elementary school about 1.7 miles away from the high school. it was a beautiful day, really breezy and very nice so i decided i'd take the walk with the rest of the teachers to the school. usually i would have driven, but since i have been feeling so good, i thought i'd walk, get some exercise and spare myself the inevitable parking ticket I would have gotten had i driven (parking is very limited in Cambridge). toward the end though my pelvis started to become sore, which is typical of any large amount of walking...so...i didn't think much of it and just headed into the auditorium for our meeting.

i felt warm so i started drinking tons of water to make sure i was hydrated, which i certainly was and then my lower back began to throb and my stomach became rock hard. i started to really be in some pain. so...I took two tylenol (which is FINE in pregnancy) and drank a lot more water...at that point i was visibly in pain and one of my co-workers suggested i call the doctor.

she's had 2 kids and said to her, it looked like i was having contractions. so...i called. the nurse at my doctor's office suggested i come in ASAP so they could hook me up to a monitor and see what was going on...i clearly agreed even though i felt so foolish going in, i mean, maybe i was just dehydrated or something, who knows! but as everyone tells me with pregnancy, better to be safe than sorry so I headed back into the auditorium and talked to my boss...who immediately told me to go...so i left. now, my mom offered to come get me, but me...being the stubborn gal that i am decided that i could get back to my car on my own and ended up taking the city bus back to CRLS...so i did...and let me say, i was contracting every 6 to 8 minutes...it was obvious, even to the other city bus riders who looked at me and asked if i was in labor...awesome.

i got off the bus and got to the car then drove to Quincy to my doc's office...once there they did some testing, put me on a monitor and baby g was fine, though the contractions were now 2 to 3 minutes apart. they did a bunch of tests on me including a Group B Strep test (which i still don't know the results of) and a FFN (fetal fibronectin test) which came back positive, meaning i could in fact deliver in the next two weeks or i could not...nothing like accurate medical testing right - lol. and on top of that they did an exam to see if i was actually dialating and yea, i was...at that point i was 1 cm dialated (0ut of 10) and 50% effaced (meaning my cervix was thining out)...so i called Dave and he came to meet me...in the meantime the staff at HVMA in Quincy called over to Brigham and Women's and arranged for me to be admitted!!

Dave and I left the HVMA office around 2:30 and headed to the hospital...we got there and they tried to get the pre-term labor to stop with an oral medication that didn't work, then they moved on to Magnesium Sulfate to stop the contractions so that I could get steroid shots to help prepare the babies lungs in the event that he or she decides to be born a bit early! So...once I was on the Magnesium drip I got the first steroid shot and was then told I'd be on the drip for 48 hours. This meant that I'd get the second steroid shot 24 hours later and then 24 hours after that I'd be what is known as Beta Complete so that if he or she was born their lungs had recieved steroid therapy to help breathing.

So at that point I was told I'd be there at least until Saturday or Sunday morning...so Dave and I got settled and accepted that we were there for the rest of the week. I called my family members and dave went home to get some clothes and supplies for the remainder of the week.

Now, from Wednesday night thru Friday night the Magnesium made me hot, flushed and really just tired. I felt ok otherwise and my vitals were great. The baby was not as active but still had a strong heart rate and was moving. Finally by Thursday afternoon (about 24 hours after being on the Mag) my contractions began to subside meaning the labor had been halted. I just sat there and rested as much as I could though truthfully I wasn't really sleeping all that much and was definitely overtired.

Friday evening around 5pm I came off of the Mag and was tired, cranky and just ready to be free of the IV. Once off of it I didn't feel anything for about 4 hours. Then around 9:30pm I started having awful pains in my back and stomach...turns out I wasn't in labor, but was now told I have something known as Irritable Uterus and this condition can lead to pre-term labor. They checked my cervix again and though it's not dialated anymore (still 1 cm) it's now effaced to 75% and it could stay that way for weeks. To stop the pain, I was given a shot of morphine and passed out...I woke up on Saturday AM and the pain was gone, but I was a mess...my entire body was sore and irritable, my brain felt foggy and I was just done. I was discharged Saturday with the instructions to be on bedrest through 37 weeks minimum.

At that point I just wanted to go home, so Dave took me home and i slept nearly 24 hours through to Sunday morning. I spent yesterday sitting here with my cousin Danielle who was awesome. I felt ok for the day...having a few Braxton Hicks conractions during the day, but nothing too much to report, then finally last night at about 12:45am I woke up with the Irritable Uterus problem again. It HURT. I was up until about 3:30am waiting for the pain to subside. It's different than contractions because it doesn't come and go...it just stays painful for hours. I was in a bad spot, but luckily it finally subsided and I went back to sleep unitl about 10:00am today.

So now I'm on bedrest and I can totally understand why. If I was to have that type of pain out and about I'd probably fall on the floor. It's way to uncomfortable to be out and about and I know that it's best for me to just follow the doctor's orders and wait it out.

I think the little Garcia is going to come when he or she is ready and all I can do is sit still and just wait. My personal guess..baby G will join the world sometime in Early September. I think perhaps in the next two or three weeks to be honest. Which will be ok with me!

i'm harboring a fugitive

2008-08-24T12:48:00.004-04:00

so today i'm 33 weeks and 2 days along and i am COUNTING the days until Baby G joins us! i'm guessing that most pregnant women get to this point around this stage of pregnancy. i'm just done at this point. i feel fat, bloated and honestly tired all the time.
my nose is always stuffy so i have constant post nasal drip and a sinus headache, my ankles and feet get swollen if i stand up or sit down, so i can't really win and every night i wake up every 3 hours to go the bathroom, oh and i need 5 pillows to sleep comfortably! lol.
the complaints are minimal i guess, because really right now i'm fine otherwise. just cranky i guess...oh well.
i start work "officially" on Tuesday, though truthfully i've been working since the begining of August anyway. i really feel like i've made a lot of progress and hope to really get things moving come September so that when I do go out on Maternity leave things at the school will be set. i do figure that with me out for 3 months a lot of things won't get done...but i'll do my best to get things set up before i go...and if i can, i'd even consider working a few days from home or something during maternity leave. i don't think i'll get bored, i'm just a work-a-holic so i always feel the need to work. (i think i get that from my mom!)
we got our wedding pictures back this past week as well, seriously 1100 photos is an amazing amount to need to review and pick from. i have them on my computer and gave my mom the disks to go through on her end. it's going to be a lot, but hpoefully we can get it done by the time the baby is born. i'd like to have the wedding stuff done by then at least!

birthing class

2008-08-16T17:51:00.003-04:00

today dave and i went to birthing class. we got lucky because only two women registered - me and another girl. usually those classes are 13 to 15 couples and it takes two 6 hour days, but since it was only 2 couples (or rather Dave and I and another girl and her aunt) it was only one 5 hour day.

i thought the class was ok. it was good because we got some clarification on how things would go and the timetable for how long it could last, which was good, but it wasn't any information i couldn't have gotten on the internet or from talking to friends. the big thing was learning the terminology and knowing what to expect on the big day. the instructor was funny and explained all the possible things that could happen. i didn't get stressed despite the fact that so many things could happen, which is not normal for me, since usually i worry about every detail, but for some reason when it comes to child birth i don't seem to worry, i sort of just figure i can go with the flow. women have been doing this birthing thing for years, i am sure i'll be fine.

at this point we aren't sure if i will be having a c-section or a vaginal delivery. baby g is still breech, which means head up - feet down and trust me...i get kicked in the pelvis ALL the time so it's not like the little one is moving into position. i have a feeling that he or she doesn't want to move, and i can't blame him or her. i get nauseous when i'm hung upside down for long periods of time too! maybe he or she is just happy head up...so if that's the case we'll schedule a C-Section and just go with it. i'm not going to worry about that until we get to that point though. there's nothing i can do about it today anyway.

now it's time for dinner, i'm pregnant and hungry...watch out!

almost there...

2008-08-09T22:08:00.005-04:00

so i'm finally in the home stretch of my pregnancy...31 weeks, 1 day today! it's exciting cause i'm ready to be done with the pregnancy honestly...

- i'm getting tired again, sort of like the first trimester, but now i'm bigger so it's harder to get comfy to take naps!

- the baby keeps kicking me and flipping all over the place...granted, that's what we want, it's just giving me heartburn and indigestion so it's not all that fun!

- i have cankles on the really humid days, which if anything is funny, and sort of annoying but it does limit what shoes i can really wear so that keeps me from being very fashionable.

but truthfully overall it's not THAT bad...the small annoyances will be worth it in about 2 months when Dave and I get to embark on our next journey - parenthood!

i am excited and scared to be a parent...being that i have no clue what babies need or what they do...but i know that i'll learn, and i have a lot of moms around me (including my mom, grammy, and aunts) who i can call and ask questions at any time! at this point i am just hoping that we can afford it all...as we are getting closer i know i can figure out the baby care, but the finances are starting to freak me out a bit. it's amazing how expensive babies are...and knowing that we only have 2 months left until the baby comes (possibly earlier - but hopefully not too much earlier) we are really going to have to tighten the belt around the home...which stinks, but we need to get used to the idea that we can't be going out to dinner or spending recklessly...having a child is going to change the financial picture a lot, but we are going to be ok!

Good Thing I buy the cheap shampoo! lol!

the house on hospital hill

2008-08-04T11:01:00.003-04:00

We're in. We've moved and I'm here today sitting in my new living room. Our new place is starting to get set up. Slowly but surely it's coming along!

On Friday evening Dave and his friend Artie moved ALL the furniture. Seriously moved everything and my mom and I did the packing and I did the light lifting. Then on Saturday my parents came down around 9 and helped us finish up in Brant Rock so that we could get everything moved. Danielle came down too and brought Chris' truck which was a HUGE help for some of the things we had left.

After that we all headed up to Quincy to do the final unload and unpack. It's amazing how much stuff Dave and I had stuck under beds, put away in closets, etc. Since we don't have nearly the amount of storage space we are very lucky to have a nice storage space in the basement for a lot of our items.

My mom and I went to KMart and Bed Bath and Beyond to get a few last minute items and she was very helpful and thoughtful about what I would need to get to make the house a better and more liveable place. We got some bins to put my pre-maternity clothes in the basement and some organizational things for our new bathroom.

Danielle took care of my kitchen stuff and my dad was helping Dave and organizing stuff. It was awesome to have such dedicated helpers. I loved it. I am sort of out of commission because I'm pregant so I LOVED having the help from my family. I'm very lucky to have such wonderful relatives who are so dedicated to helping me. I hope they are this dedicated when Baby G arrives! hehehe

And speaking of Baby G, well, we are a little under 10 weeks until the due date. It's exciting and scary. I love that he or she moves all around in my stomach - it's awesome that he or she is so active...it's cute. I figure we'll have our hands full when the little one arrives. I could do without the pain and pressure on my pelvis and the heartburn, but hey...small price to pay for bringing a new person into the world!

Today I am going to get moving after lunch. I need to do some organizing here...getting more things put away and I am even going to work on making dinner so when Dave gets home it's done. I figure it's the least I can do since I'm not working today.

only 4 days, 3 nights left

2008-07-29T21:10:00.003-04:00

so it's true...we have 4 days and 3 nights left here in Brant Rock. We signed our lease today for our new place in Quincy. very exciting. We have the keys and will be moving our stuff on Saturday...we've rented a UHaul, enlisted the help of some great friends and loving family, and are doing the packing now.
Tomorrow I intend to do most of the kitchen, a big chunk of upstairs and then well, we'll be just about ready to go. We've packed a lot of stuff all ready but it's hard because we still need to live here for the next few days so a lot of the stuff we're not sure about packing...but i figure a few things will just be tossed in bags/boxes last minute. It's not like we're moving it 1,000 miles, we're moving it approximately 17 miles, so if things aren't packed 100% perfectly, I won't be too upset - as long as things don't break...i'll be fine.
Another good thing with this move is that we don't have any furniture for Baby G yet. If we did, it'd be ALL bad. that would be WAY too much stuff to move, which is weird to think about because next time we do move, we will have a child and all his or her stuff to move as well. Though I also hope that next time we move we are going to be going somewhere that we are buying...not renting.
Anyway - it's an exciting and rather messy time here in Brant Rock...but I wouldn't want it any other way!

"let ME eat cake"

2008-07-24T17:36:00.003-04:00

SO turns out I don't have Gestational Diabetes! Yeah for me! I was so worried since I failed my 1 hour Glucose test that I would fail the 3 hour, but I got the call this afternoon that I passed the test! I went in this morning at 8 am. I fasted last night, and did the test this morning.

My glucose level was good to start this morning and they took my blood every hour after I drank this orange glucose drink. Turns out I had 1 score that was 4 points higher than it should be, so I do NOT have GD, but I do still need to go see a nutritionist to talk about eating choices and a healthy diet I guess, it's what the Doctor has you do when you test high during the 3 hour. If I had been over on 2 of the readings they would have diagnosed me with GD. I will be hearing from them this week to make an appointment for next week. I figure it can't hurt me to learn more about nutrition, honestly I've always wanted to learn more about how to put together a healthy diet. I eat a lot of fruits and veggies anyway, but I also LOVE candy and sweets and I think I could really benefit from talking to a professional anyway. Especially having a child on the way, it can't hurt to know more about smarter ways to eat.

Anyway, so that's the good news...I am free to eat cake...not in excess of course. It's nice to have one less thing to be worrying about in the next few weeks. Between going back to work, packing up this apartment, moving to a new apartment, all my doctor's appointments and then grad school starting back up, I am going to be really busy trying to do everything that I have to do before Baby G joins the world!

packing - oh the joy!

2008-07-23T08:06:00.002-04:00

Since the move is imminent, today I will be doing a lot more packing. I've started packing up things in the guest room and I am amazed at how much stuff we have (and here I thought that we had cleaned out that room before Dave's mom came to visit!). My plan today is to take my time and pack a few boxes at a time without stressing myself out too much. I also need to go the Registry and change my license. FUN!

Dave and I talked about the move last night, and though we have this place until the 15th of August, we will have to move all of our belongings by August 2nd. The weekend of the 9th we have a wedding and a birthday party and then the 15th falls on a Friday. Dave won't be able to take a day off from work to move anything and being that I'm nearly 29 weeks along I can't really do ANY heavy lifting...so we need to rely on the help of others! Luckily between my family and Dave's friends we have a bunch of people who are willing to help! It's great to know so many people who really care about us and our willing to help for some beer and pizza.

carmelized onions

2008-07-20T19:28:00.002-04:00

Today I learned how to make something new - carmelized onions. Ok so seriously it's not that hard to make them but since I barely have been able to boil water until recently, I thought it was worthwhile to figure out HOW to make something new. That being said, I was cutting onions for salad while Dave was cooking steak so I got out my Better Homes & Gardens Newlywed Cookbook (thanks Kathi) and looked up Onions. That's when I learned that all I needed was butter and a skillet...ok...easy enough...so I did it. I carmelized onions all by myself. Dave and I both had them on our filets and they were awesome. Clearly if you follow the directions cooking is much easier.
This is the second time I have used my new cookbook...The first time I used it was to figure out how to make chocolate chip cookies. And apparently I did that pretty well as well, even my Grammy thought so, and if I could impress her with my cooking then obviously I'm doing something right!
I figure that since I'm about 80 days from becoming someone's mother I should know how to make more meals. I am very lucky that my husband likes to cook for me, but I think I should know how to make things as well. I feel like it's such a change from my single gal ways, but isn't life really all about change? I never have been much of a cook (though I can make an excellent salad) but I know that if I am going to have a family I should be at least able to feed them.

move along, move along....

2008-07-19T09:19:00.002-04:00

well, it's happened...we are moving. i am sad to say it, but i know it's the right thing to do. Dave and I have been going back and forth on it for a while. We both LOVE Brant Rock and our beach house, but we know that with the impending arrival of little baby G we needed a place that would be more condusive to having a child.

We live in a place now that doesn't have a washer/dryer in unit (we go to the laundrymat across the street), we have metal spiral stairs, which are cool, but i am nervous about carrying a baby up and down them, plus for me, the commute to work is anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half each way depending on traffic (imagine doing that drive with a six month old with a diaper full of poop) so we decided it was time to move forward and get a place that was closer to Boston and inbetween our two jobs.

So for the past week since the wedding I've been focusing on the apartment search. Dave went back to work and I called all sorts of places to schedule appointments to look at different apartments all around the Quincy, Braintree, and Weymouth areas. First, let me say that I was HORRIFIED by the quality of some of the places we saw. I can't imagine that someone is going to want to pay $1,200 plus utilities on a two bedroom place in a brick building that smells like trash. Disgusting. Second, let me say that I am amazed at how some creative photography can make a place look nicer than it is. These homeowners and real estate agents should become part of the paparazzi considering how wonderful their work is. Anyway, we looked at 7 places in total. Our biggest challenge which limited the search was the quest for a de-leaded apartment. Apparently anything built before 1978 would have lead paint in it. This means that any exposure could be damaging to baby G's development. And yes, I do realize that I grew up in a house with lead paint and so did my parents and their parents, BUT I don't want it on Dave and I that we didn't take proper precautions to ensure our childs safety. If for any reason it develops a learning disability or brain damage because we didn't ensure that it was living in a de-leaded environment then I'd feel awful and probably never forgive myself.
That is what limited our search. I called 20 places that were not de-leaded so it wasn't even worth us going to look.
We ended up going into a random realtors office who had a place for rent in Quincy, in a very nice area called Hospital Hill. It's very residential, 2 and 3 family homes, kid friendly and quiet. We looked at it and put in our deposit this past Thursday.
It's amazingly nice - 2 bedroom, hard wood floors throughout, completely re-done and de-leaded (I spoke to the painter who de-leaded it), and has a back patio, storage, central AC and a washer/dryer downstairs in the basement. It's a beautiful home that is owner occupied, so that makes it even more desireable. if the owner lives there, you know you are getting a better deal because they LIVE there. They take care of the property. I love it. It's not beachfront, but as Dave has told me, we got LUCKY finding this place. It was the 3rd one we looked at. We loved it right away and for two people starting their life together it was perfect, but now it's time to move on and share the wealth!

my wedding...

2008-07-18T11:10:00.003-04:00

well, the wedding was amazing to say the least. i LOVED it. i got to wear a beautiful dress, which at first honestly i didn't like but looking back on it, it looked perfect on me. i need to trust other people's opinions a bit more i think.

dave looked handsome, my grandfather even told me he thought he looked like a movie star! dave is dreamy - that's for sure.

the ONLY minor hiccup in the day was when the Justice of the Peace forgot that she was supposed to do my ceremony that day. she actually didn't show up. i had to call her and ask her if she was coming only to find out that she had forgotten. so she wasn't there for nearly an hour...so i did the only thing i could think of...i had the hotel re-open the open bar for another hour and i talked to the kitchen and they were able to serve dinner early...so people ate and drank and when Melinda got there we did the ceremony...it was wonderful! i was really pleased with how it all turned out. we ended the night with karaoke. it was fun and everyone took turns singing, which i loved. it was such a great day. everything i imagined my wedding would be, except i was sober and pregnant...but hey...i married my true love - what's better than that!

now it's time to focus on so many other things. we are married, moving to a new place and the baby is coming in early October. I am excited, scared, happy, overwhelmed. it's wild how many things I need to do...moving is going to be a lot to take on, but it will be fine. I'm off for a few more weeks so I have time to pack most of our stuff even though I can't move it really. Being pregnant does limit some of the things I can do and how much i can really lift, but i figure i can pack during the day and then after the 1st we can move most of the small stuff and then do the bigger stuff over a few days with the help of family and friends.

the bachelorette brunch

2008-07-06T22:04:00.006-04:00

Nicole, Rachel, Jessica, Me and Kerrie

Beth, Sara and Danielle touching Baby G!

Auntie Sandy, Auntie Patti, Me, Auntie Mary & Auntie Karen

My Mom, Me and Grammy

i had a lovely bachelorette brunch on Sunday, June 22nd at the East Bay Grille with my family and a few friends. Obviously with my current condition (I'm 26 weeks and 2 days pregnant) a traditional bachelorette party wasn't going to cut it. i certainly wasn't going to be going out to any bars and living it up so my sis and bridesmaids thought a brunch would be better. that being said, they planned a small family gathering of my aunts, mom, grammy, and a few of my south shore friends who couldn't make the bridal shower. it was a wonderful time truthfully since i don't get to hang out with these women a lot and it was very sweet of them to think of me.

it's amazing how much kindness weddings bring out in people. i guess it's the thought of true love that makes them want to do nice things for one of their friends...my grammy also went above and beyond and paid for the brunch, which i thought was amazing and very sweet of her. i know my girlfriends were very appreciative and really thought it was just so generous of her.

the food was soo good at the East Bay Grille too. I love it there anyway, but I had a very nice breakfast and got to chat with my friends and family. it's nice to get to spend time with people i care about in such a casual and fun way.

i have had a hard time with so much of the wedding stuff because i always feel like i need to be "ON" or be the center of attention, but truthfully it was so nice because I wasn't the center of attention, well, ok I was, but I certainly didn't feel like it. It just felt like a nice breakfast with family and friends.

the NEW dress

2008-06-23T20:48:00.002-04:00

So this past Saturday my mom, my sister and I headed to Bridals by Valerie to review the original dress and decide what to do. Now, I knew it looked bad going in, and it really got me down, so I expected Beth and my mom to either LOVE it or HATE it...and both of them thought it was HIDEOUS. Which was funny...just because Beth was really blunt - she was like "oh no Jenny, take it off" and my mom, who later told me she was trying to put on a brave face said "it's not THAT bad" but deep down she knew, it was just awful.

so...with that information, the choices were limited. we could do our best with what we had and the seamstress could work on trying to work with the material OR we could just give up and get another dress, which is what we ended up doing.

Beth, my mom and Emily the seamstress went to the discontinued rack and looked at the options. These are the dresses that are no longer available to order, but they still have one in the store. I tried on a bunch of them...and we ended up narrowing it down to two...both are off white, one was more simple and the other was a little more elaborate. Just based on what was going to best fit my baby belly...we went with the one that was a bit more elaborate.

i should say here that what's "elaborate" to me, is really not "elaborate" to anyone else. The dress originally had sleeves, and a really long train, but once altered is now sleeveless and has a very small train, which is FINE with me. The top has a sweetheart neckline with silver beading that is in the shape of flowers and sort of matches the cake oddly enough...and will look very pretty with a bright gerber daisy in my hair.

It's empire waisted and from there just flows down ever so slightly. It's really pretty honestly. Definitely NOT something I'd ever pick out for myself. I am not into beading really, or the flowing thing, but with the fact that I also am not in the shape I was in 24 weeks and 3 days ago - my body at this point wouldn't be able to support the type of dress I would pick. I am a huge fan of simple, no beads, maybe some lace, but this is very flowy and makes my baby and my boobs look good, which is really all a girl can ask for at this point. And it looks like a wedding dress, which I know made my mom happy. She loves the bridal look. During the alterations, we even agreed on a small train, which for me was a hard thing to do - but considering that she is paying for a new dress and alterations in the 11th hour, the least I could do is give in and go for the little train. It made her happy and truthfully it's behind me anyway...so it's not like I have to look at it.

I feel very lucky to have a mom who is so good to me. She's honest, caring, wonderful and considering how much of a pain in the ass I have been lately about this wedding she truly has been amazing to me. I am so lucky to have her. She is willing to do whatever it takes to make my wedding perfect for me, which is wonderful. I truly appreciate her support!

so the dress is in...

2008-06-19T18:58:00.001-04:00

to say that i love my dress is not accurate. i like it, but by no means do i love it. at 13 weeks pregnant it looked so much different than it did today when i put it on. now at 1 day shy of 24 weeks (6 months) it looked so different. *note photo to the left.

i guess in my mind i didn't really get how i was going to look in this dress...i mean, i thought i'd look cute but still pregnant, but i put the dress on and i didn't hate it, but it certainly wasn't a maternity dress...it's a regular dress i'm trying to alter. i just think i should have gotten a maternity gown from the beginning. i don't mind the color, the style or the dress itself, but just not on me.

i actually cried when i put it on...and it wasn't tears of joy...it was sad tears. thank GOD for Kerrie. she said she thought i might have a breakdown, but truthfully i had a breakdown. most brides cry because they are so happy with how the look and i cried because i just feel so awkward about being a pregnant bride. i realize that MANY women are pregnant when they get married. I know that rationally in my head...but for whatever reason I just can't accept it and embrace it. i really wish dave and i had put off the wedding UNTIL after i had given birth, so that i could have just enjoyed my wedding without some extra stress of the fact that i am pregnant and don't feel like i'm the bride i always envisioned i'd be. i guess the big thing is though i'm not a girly girl, i always knew that when i did get married it's be a beautiful day full of my family and friends...and that i'd be able to drink, party, and live it up. and that i'd be in a gorgeous dress and look amazing...but since i'm not in my first choice dress and i can barely stay up past 10:00pm this doesn't look like it's going to be the best of times...oh well...i should have thought of this at week 13...live and learn on that one i guess.

it's so hard to be a pregnant person anyway - between the swollen feet and ankles, the constant need to pee, the HUGE boobs, and the general feeling of malaise most of the day being pregnant for me has NOT been a picnic but being pregnant and knowing that i'm getting married has been stressing me out a lot. i've had the flu at 8 weeks, random bleeding at 10 weeks, and the shingles for weeks 21 and 22 (random neck rash noted in a few posts prior)! i just don't feel pretty...

now none of this means i don't want to get married, because i am SOOO excited to marry Dave. He's amazing, i'm not worried about that part of it, but i just am not comfortable doing all the traditional marriage stuff...i feel foolish...it's just me, not anyone else, and i take full responsibility for the feelings i have. it's all me...maybe it's hormones, maybe it's just stress, maybe this all means i have really bitten off more than i can chew with this wedding and a pregnancy...and I NEVER feel overwhelmed...so clearly i have taken on too much.

details and more details...

2008-06-19T10:52:00.001-04:00

well, last weekend we got a lot done regarding the wedding. we ended up going to Petal Pushers in Plymouth to talk flowers, then to Konditer Meister and then to the South Shore Diamond Exchange to get our rings. it was a LONG Saturday and sadly Dave had to miss his nap, but all in all we needed to get these things done.

we ended up going with Gerber Daisies for the centerpieces and bouquets and i ordered all of the flowers for the parents, grandparents, etc. it was a lot of decisions but our florist, Nancy was very understanding and helpful with the process. I am sure the flowers will be totally beautiful and perfect for the event!

As for the cake tasting, now in theory it sounds awesome. you imagine eating TONS of good cake and just loving it, but truthfully i was so over cake when we left there. it was a combo sugar high/buttercream overdose! BUT we did manage to get a cake that we both agreed on. we are doing a 4 tier cake with 2 different types...a chocolate mousse and a vanilla cake with strawberries in it. each tier will be alternating and the whole thing is going to be awesome and taste great. i am just glad i don't have to taste it again for another 3 weeks...and yes, i will have a piece of the chocolate and vanilla on my wedding night. i'm pregnant...and since i can't drink...let me eat cake! hehehe (thanks Marie Antoinette for being so ignorant!)

And the last exciting event of the day was the rings. Dave picked out a titanium band and i got a plain white gold band to match my ring...but because the base of my ring is wider than a normal band, i had to get it molded so that it will fit it perfectly. The damn mold cost 2x the ring! heheheh...the jeweler at South Shore was nice to me and said he'd have them done by the end of the month. So Dave and I will have our rings then. Perfect timing if you ask me. I'd rather not be rushing around worrying about it when we have guests in town. Dave's mom arrives on July 2nd so we definitely need to be prepared to have visitors and I'd like to have most of the details finalized so I have nothing to do.

This whole wedding business is honestly a lot of work and details, and it's funny because I spent 7 years planning and executing events for other people, now i'm working on my own event..which is fun and exciting but still time consuming. I can see why brides are just exhausted at the end...and a majority of them aren't also carrying their first child!

reply cards are in!!!

2008-06-09T18:13:00.000-04:00

today i checked my mail and we got a BUNCH of reply cards!! So I did my spreadsheet (yes, i said spreadsheet) and we have 44 yes responses, and 3 no responses in this batch. *i am counting couples..so it's 47 people total have responded. it's exciting to think people are actually getting back to us and this is REALLY going to happen. i know i am excited and ready for this wedding to take place!
i've got a to do list of stuff we need to get done this week...and i know it will be fun, but it's also a lot to take in. i know dave and i can get all of it done, we just need to get serious...it's crunch time!

thank you notes

2008-06-03T13:09:00.001-04:00

since i was forced to take a few days off (random neck rash - seeing doctor tomorrow) i had plenty of time on my hands to work on my Thank You cards for all of our wonderful gifts from the shower. In total, I just did 42 cards over 2 days. talk about a writer's cramp in my hand!
i figured i should use the time productively since i am stuck home. i am going to walk over to the post office in a few minutes to mail them.
i am just so grateful that i have so many wonderful people in my life. i really feel very special.

Pictures from the bridal shower...

2008-06-02T16:27:00.000-04:00

Yummy Cake!
Grammy, Beth and Mom
Dave and I
Mom and me
Mom, Dave, and I

Here are a few photos from my Bridal Shower. I am looking fat...hahaha, ok well maybe it's not fat...but definitely pregnant!
*Pictures provided by Jen Smead

the bridal shower

2008-06-01T08:55:00.001-04:00

yesterday was amazing. my sister Beth, along with my bridesmaids - Kerrie, Danielle, and Jessica threw an amazing bridal shower at my parents house. i was so touched by how many of my family and friends made it to the party and how wonderful of a time it truly was.

it was originally meant to be a surprise party, but due to circumstances beyond the control of my sister and family i had other plans...plans that i wasn't going to be able to break (i was going to a party for my friend from work who is moving to Colorado). and the co-worker who is leaving is a person i consider to be a mentor and friend in the Education industry. She taught me a lot and I really wanted to go. So when my mom told me she was having a "cookout" on the 31st...I was like...whatever...I have plans, i see you guys all the time...so my sis had to leak the news to me so that I'd actually change plans and come. And let me say I am so happy that I did!

When dave and I got there it was wild. there were like 25 cars up and down my parents street and the house was packed with people! Had it been a nicer day, I think they had intended to do it outside! but it was still very nice even if it was a little rainy.

Dave and I opened TONS of gifts...i am so touched at the generosity of my family and friends. it's wonderful that people really do care so much about us and our upcoming wedding! we got nearly everything we registered for, which is overwhelming in itself. our living room looks like a massive houseware bomb has gone off! it's nice though, it's a good overwhelming!

we are in the process of putting things where they belong and it might take all day...or wait, actually several days I should say. It's fun and crazy...it will be a fun day of organizing and cleaning that's for sure.

To my mom and dad, who opened up their house for my shower, I cant' say THANK YOU enough. I mean, I know how hard they worked to get the yard mulched, the house cleaned and how much cleaning they probably had to do when we left. It was so nice of them to really do this for us and honor us like this. It's such a joy to know that I have a family that truly cares about me and wants me to be happy. I know especially with Dave's family being in Nebraska and Texas, that it's a nice feeling for him too.

As for Beth, Kerrie, Danielle, and Jessica - these ladies outdid themselves yesterday. I am so touched and honored to have them as friends, cousins, and sisters. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful women in my life. they really took a lot of care and time in preparing this wedding shower for Dave and I. It was definitely an event I won't soon forget.

xxoo - now i need to go eat! a pregnant bride is always hungry!

the guys suits...and other details...

2008-05-29T21:15:00.000-04:00

so after a lot of talk, and a few visits to JoS. A. Bank Dave has decided on what the boys will be wearing at the wedding. he decided to go with the same suit that our friend Dan wore at his wedding - the 3 button Poplin Oyster suit with a gold pocket square and a white shirt. it should look really nice and very casual, but still awesome. As for shoes...he has yet to decide. I am just glad that he picked something for the wedding...i know he wasn't sure what he wanted so this is a good step forward for the guys.

i actually just emailed my brother the info in FL so he can get his stuff soon too. it seems like the more details that come together, the more real the wedding seems to me. there has just been so much going on with me that is NOT wedding related that i am amazed at how quickly time is flying by!!

my mom was awesome and came down last sunday to help me address all of the envelopes and jen smead helped me the day before with assembling the invites. they look AWESOME and i am excited to start picking seats and getting this all set up for the big day. it should be really fun and a really happy day. i am definitely looking forward to it. Dave is so great...rather than just gush...i should just say that he's a wonderful man and i couldn't be happier or luckier to have found him - oh the joy of love...ok...enough gushing..

we also have an appointment with the florist...we are going to to gerber daisies for the centerpieces and for the girls and i to hold during the wedding...i am now just trying to pick ones that i really like...it's hard to decide what i really want them to look like...an example is above of one idea i like...just very simple and summery looking and i could get colors that match the gals colors in the wedding!! i think they'll look very cute and not be super expensive...which is what i really like...i hate the idea of spending a lot of money on flowers that are just going to die anyway!

tomorrow i need to set up our cake tasting appointment and then all will almost be set...my dress is still out there and should be in during the first week in june...i am excited to get that fitted as well...oh yeah...the wedding is coming fast and furious!

Invites...

2008-05-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

Invites - oh the sweet fun of invites! I designed them myself and came up with a creative way to decorate them! I decided to stamp them with a dragonfly and flower stamp. they are very simple, but they came out beautifully. i love that they aren't really flamboyant. they are simple, understated and look really very unique.
I just need to print out the direction sheet and then I will be sending them out on Tuesday. I am so glad that they are just about done!
My mom was very cool and came down to visit and help me address all the envelopes...which really helped a lot. She said she didn't feel like she was doing much to help me with the wedding, but as I told her, she's helped with a LOT of the details. Without her, I think that I'd probably not have a dress, or bridesmaid dresses, or really have the skill to actually set up the wedding...I love that she has given me her brilliant sense of organization.
I am glad that the details are coming together though...we have only a few more loose ends to tie up.
All that's left is:
- Alterations on my dress
- Seating Chart
- meeting with JOP
- meeting with DJ
- meeting with Photographer
- meeting wtih Radisson Event Coordinator for day of details
- meeting with Konditermeister for cake talks
- meeting with Petal Pushers florist
- men's suits
- wedding rings
- bathroom baskets

oh the fun...details coming together! only about 6 weeks to go right??!!

i got a dress!!

2008-04-12T21:28:00.001-04:00

ok so i think being pregnant and looking for a wedding dress, is easily one of the hardest things EVER!!! dave and i weren't planning on having a little one so soon, and knowing that i needed to find a dress that could be altered to fit a woman in her 26th week of pregnancy was really aggrivating. it was hard to imagine things on a prego, plus it was hard to find places that were willing to accomodate a pregnant bride with a very comfortable, non petticoat or train sporting gown.

After the horrid experience we had at David's Bridal, my mom and I ventured to Bridals by Valerie in Reading. She had driven by it on the way home from the gym and figured we should stop in and give it a try. And it was a great idea.

Now, as for what happened at David's Bridal...the first time Kerrie, Jessica and I went, and honestly it sucked. The lady we worked with was unknowledgeable about maternity wedding gowns and even tried to get me into a corset bra. it was aggrivating since at 12 weeks it wasn't like i was going to put that on...not to mention that she pissed kerrie off by even suggesting it (she just had a baby - 9 months ago, and is sensitive to all issues surrounding pregnancy).
Nevermind the fact that she told me that all wedding dresses have trains and that they would NEVER cut the train off a dress at their store...ok, you've GOT to be kidding me...so that went horribly and i went home defeated.

About 2 weeks later, my mom wanted me to go back with her and my sister to David's Bridal to try again, and truthfully, though we worked with a nicer consultant, it was still a no go. They had maybe 4 dresses I could try on and even those were not going to work for me...way to fancy with beading and trains, etc. nothing that would fit my style OR my needs. I feel like in a way David's is not a full service bridal shop. Now I understand that most brides are not pregnant, but those of us who are pregnant shouldn't be penalized or alienated because of it! I wonder how many other pregnant brides out there have gone through this!

So after leaving defeated again, my mom realized she drives by a bridal store everyday...she called them and they said they can help fit a pregnant bride no problem...so over we went.

Right off the bat, the staff at Bridals by Valerie was wonderful. They gave me nearly 20 dresses to try on and knew exactly what I was looking for when I told them I wanted something light, airy, with no train and that could be altered for 27 weeks along.
I tried on one dress that I absolutely loved, but sadly it was not really alterable without ruining the dress, so just as I started to feel defeated, one of the women there suggested I look at the bridesmaid dresses...so my mom and I ventured downstairs and looked...I tried on another 15 bridesmaid dresses and we found three we liked...tried them on again for the seamstress and the bridal consultant and found one we all agreed was perfect.

Here is the dress: http://www.watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=479#

This is the color we ordered it in: http://www.watters.com/dress_popup.php?showid=546

We ordered it a few sizes too big and extra long so that we have more material to work with for the alterations since i will be growing before the wedding! i am glad to have the dress out of the way...and the bridesmaid dresses too...now it's on to suits for the guys and actually finalizing all the people we are going to invite!

long time no wedding talk...

2008-03-17T16:51:00.000-04:00

so it seems i've been very lax in dealing with the wedding...now, truthfully it's because i have had bigger things to worry about...ok, not bigger things, but more pressing matters...at work i was promoted - so that's been keeping me busy, grad school this semester is actually A LOT of work...so i've been slammed with that, and finally - well, i'm expecting!!!

yes - dave and i are going to be newly weds AND parents...so yea, that's been really preoccupying my time and thoughts lately! I'm in my 11th week now:

(note picture to the left - it was taken yesterday!)

and due on October 10th - just 3 months after we say the big "I DOs"! and yes, i am definitely scared about it...it's a lot to take on...a wedding, then a baby! talk about keeping your plate FULL of stuff to do!

Luckily for me, my sister Beth, mom, and cousins Danielle and Sara were gracious enough to go to David's Bridal yesterday and look at bridesmaid dresses! They picked two styles out that they really liked and talked to the lady there about colors and mixing and matching...here are the links to the dresses:

81594 = http://davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=3332&prodgroup=110

81591 = http://davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=3331&prodgroup=110

I am hoping to go look at wedding dresses sometime this week or next so that i can get something ordered being that the big day is 3 months and 3 weeks away (just about) and I still have NO idea what I am going to wear. Luckily David's Bridal has a very good collection of maternity dresses and i should be able to find something...lol...ridiculous huh? a maternity wedding gown...oh well, guess i will be drinking a lot of sparkling cider and non-alcoholic wine! hehehe, luckily i have some pregnant friends who will be in attendance so I won't be the LONE sober person there!

Anyway, i am hoping that the wedding dress stuff will come together...next big thing to tackle is rings...we should probably do that in April!

oh the wedding fun continues!

more save the date cards

2008-02-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

so most of the save the date cards have been sent out at this point. i think i still have a few to send out this coming week and then they all will be in the mail! it's exciting to think that we're actually only 4.5 months away from the big day!
Everything is pretty much done, except for dresses...i have no idea what kind of dress I want, but i think my mom, sister and i should go look soon!
:-)

save the date cards...

2008-01-13T21:46:00.000-05:00

well i spent most of today organizing and getting ready to create my save the date cards. Dave and I headed out this morning to Michael's in Plymouth and I picked out a bunch of cardstock cards and with the use of my printer and some silver stamps...i think i've got it set and ready to go!
Dave was a HUGE help and he was able to cut all the papers I printed and cut the notecards for me! Now I just need to glue, stamp and address to mail them! I am excited that we are going to get these out this coming week so at least our guests know to save the date and get stuff booked! We are having the wedding right after the 4th of July in Plymouth, so as you can bet it's a wicked busy time there for tourists...it's America's hometown after all! hehehe
They aren't fancy cards or anything but they do the job and that's what I want. I don't think they need to be. They are truly just so people know to keep the date open and remind them that we want to share our special day with them!
Now that I have tomorrow off thanks to a large Nor'Easter coming into town, I am going to have fun putting cards together and getting them ready to mail! Gotta Love that! My goal is by Friday to have them all in the mail so that people will be sure to get their hotels booked...especially since my Aunt told me that she called to book her hotel room and that they told her they didn't even have any King rooms left! So she and my Uncle and to get a double!

wedding colors...

2008-01-05T12:46:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm trying to decide on wedding colors. It's really hard for me to decide what colors I want to use for the wedding! I really like oranges, yellows..but I'm so not sure!
I really think that the colors are the hardest thing to decide on when it comes to wedding planning.
I've also decided that I really don't care what dresses the bridesmaids wear for dresses. I'm fine with picking a few colors and letting them pick the dresses and the color they want their dress to be. As long as they all look nice together, that's all that really matters to me. I figure that if I'm asking people to be in the wedding and spend $$ on the dresses that they should be dresses that each girl likes and feels as pretty as they can in.
I am not going to be one of those brides who puts their bridesmaids in stupid taffeta dresses that make them look frumpy. I want the ladies I have chosen to be in the wedding to feel happy about what they are wearing.
Right now, I'm leaning towards the color schemes of oranges, yellows, purples, blues...I wish I actually knew what I was going to do. But maybe when I go to the store and look at dresses I will actually be able to make a decision.
I might even just leave it up to the girls in the wedding. It's too much to really decide on my own! I figure I should delegate some stuff right?

the venue is picked!

2007-12-09T20:02:00.001-05:00

On the first Saturday of December, Dave and I went with my parents to look at the final venue choice for the wedding, the Radisson Hotel in Plymouth. And we LOVED it! That being said, we're going to have the wedding there! I am really excited that we've found the right place and that we're going to be able to have a great party & ceremony in the same place!

We've not made many plans yet though...I am in the middle of finals so I really can't get too into the wedding details JUST yet, though I am going to start looking at photographers and get a Justice of the Peace set up in the next two weeks. We do know that DJ we want...my mom's guy who does her Credit Union dinner...she needs to call him this week too!

I'm going to look at Dresses in January and hopefully be able to pick one and get bridesmaid decisions made too!

I'm trying NOT to get stressed because it's all fun planning! And I just keep reminding myself that it will all come together!! One day at a time right!

Checking out the venues

2007-11-26T17:39:00.001-05:00

So today my mom and I checked out two potential venues for the wedding! First we headed to the Radisson Hotel in Rockland, MA and met with their Sales Manager. The package seemed very reasonable and the room was nice. It would be able to accomodate our guests and do our ceremony right in the room, which I love! We liked it, but we're not certain just yet...next we checked out the Cohasset Harbor Resort in Cohasset and LOVED the view, but it was the hotel accomodations that totally what we are looking for...I feel like we could do better to get rooms somewhere else...so it isn't' going to be there.
We have one place left to look at this week - The Radisson Hotel in Plymouth Harbor, which both Dave and I have high hopes for.
Now that I'm starting to do this wedding planning stuff, I am feeling like it's more real than ever before. I guess it was always real, I mean I am engaged, but real like we're moving forward in the decision making process. How fun!!!
I'm actually watching "wedding planners" on We TV and I have to say...these people are wild! I can't imagine hiring someone to do all of this! but i guess if you have the big bucks it makes sense to give someone else the dirty work to do!

picking the place

2007-11-17T08:03:00.000-05:00

so Dave and I have found a few places we like for the ceremony and reception and we hopefully will be visiting them in the next week or two. we've narrowed it down to the Cohasset Harbor Resort, The Radisson in Plymouth, and the Hilton in Plymouth. All three are really beautiful and I think would be perfect venues for our wedding - July 10th, 2008 - a Thursday evening...so it should be cheaper and easier to secure a room.
We figured that a Thursday would be more fun since we will have so many family members and friends coming here from out of town and that way they aren't rushing to just come in for the weekend and not get to enjoy New England.
More details to follow...

the breakfast meeting

2007-10-27T17:56:00.000-04:00

so today dave and i had breakfast with my parents...to talk wedding, talk $$, and figure out some details...so we have between 10k and 12k to spend, obviously i'd like to spend LESS than that, so tomorrow i want to make a preliminary list of dates, a preliminary guest estimate, and then start looking online for places we'd like to go look at.
i'm hoping that we'll be able to also get ideas for the style too. it's hard to try to plan a wedding when you have NO idea what you both really want...i think Dave isn't even sure what he really wants...but we need to figure it out!

the first meeting...

2007-10-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

So next Saturday, Dave & I are going to be sitting down with my parents to talk about some wedding stuff...well really about the $$ part...since my parents are going to be giving us some $ towards the actual wedding, I am getting us all together to sit down and talk about what we are looking at and see if what we can do with the wedding budget we are given.

Dave and I are going to try to have a reasonably priced ceremony anyway as we don't really like all the bells and whistles that are customary and we want to make sure NO ONE goes in debt over just ONE day!

An Engagement Story

2007-10-15T20:51:00.001-04:00

On Friday October 12th, 2006 - Dave became my fiance.

He asked me to marry him in my living room. We had just ordered food from the Venus II across the street and were about to settle in to watch the Sox. Dave went upstairs to get his shoes so we could walk over to the restaurant and pick up our food. He came back down and went into the kitchen, I thought he was going out so I got up to follow him out the door. He then turned around, dropped to his knees and asked me if I would love him forever! I immediately said YES! I then dropped to both knees and he said, will you marry me? I again said YES and he put the beautiful ring that I had picked out last week on my finger (i had picked it out, but had no idea when i'd be getting it!)! We then made out a bit, headed over the Venus II to pick up our food, then watched the SOX!

It was the perfect proposal because it was so laid back. there was no wierd public display, no wild fan fare...just love. which is exactly what i wanted there to be! I'm really happy about it and feel like we have a lot of good times ahead!